


Feels Like I'm Burning

by imdeletingonedaylol



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Confessions, Dreams, M/M, Maaaayyybeeee, Oh To Be Hopelessly In Love With Your Best Friend, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, Title Is From Ride With U Because It'd Be A Crime Not To Acknowledge It, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:21:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28581915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imdeletingonedaylol/pseuds/imdeletingonedaylol
Summary: No one was wrong to say they loved each other, and no one had to know that the love Bad felt wasn't strictly platonic. He was certain that with some restraint his crush would pass and things would return to normal. But when their online friendship of over two years culminates in a long awaited meeting that breaks his will, how could that ever happen?
Relationships: Zak Ahmed & Darryl Noveschosch, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 59
Kudos: 276





	1. Late Night/Early Morning

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first multichapter fic in a long, long time. The tags are subject to change as the story develops and I'm open to any constructive criticism along the way! This was inspired by a few things, including a playlist of songs I'll be revealing along the way for anybody who wants them.

“Alright guys, I think I’m  gonna end the stream soon,”

Bad had gotten used to these late-night streams. Plenty of incidents during the day had proven them to be far more convenient. No interruptions, no other responsibilities; he could do as he pleased for as long as he wanted until he grew too tired to continue. Of course, there was always the threat of destroying his sleep schedule, but that was never a big concern. It wasn’t until lately that those endless nights started catching up with him and fighting the allure of sleep became far too difficult to continue. 

It couldn’t be helped. Not with so much on his mind as of late, and not with  Skeppy on call with him for the past two hours.

He went through the motions, reading off missed donations, setting up a raid, and ending the stream. He stretched his arms above his head and sighed, finally releasing the tension that had built up in his back over the past two hours.

“You good?”  Skeppy asked.

“Yeah, just tired,”

Bad minimized the tabs on his desktop and read the corner of his screen.

_ 3:26 AM _

_ 1/18/2021 _

He hadn’t intended to stream so late, or for so long. Yawning, he massaged the nape of his neck and placed his glasses on the desk before him. It had been a long,  _ long  _ night. With  Skeppy , and  Quackity , for some time, joining him for the stream, it had been nothing but petty arguments and jokes made at his expense. That was fine- fun, in fact. It was never a dull night with them around, and it always brought the most engagement from viewers. However, Bad would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit it was tiring.

“I should stop streaming so long,” he said, rubbing his eyes.

“It’s really messing with me,”

In truth, he hadn’t cared much about the stiffness in his neck or the way his back cracked when he straightened it out. He had dealt with that for years, and it was nothing a good stretch couldn’t fix. It set in midway through the stream, just as  Skeppy joined the call, and staying online to spend time with him appealed to Bad much more than resting did. Especially when it had been so long since he joined him for a stream. The several-hour difference in their time zones were to blame for that. It didn’t take long for that- something that originally seemed like a minor inconvenience, to become the biggest nuisance either of them ever faced.

Well, for Skeppy at least.

Bad couldn’t stand the way the time difference separated them. For so long, he believed it was the worst thing plaguing their friendship, but somewhere along the line his opinion shifted. He couldn’t remember when the idea first entered his head, but it started out small. Just a concept, just the thought of  Skeppy’s skin under his fingertips- how it would feel to touch him. It lingered in the back of his mind, popping up at random times during the day. How cruel, that something as simple as sharing a touch was off limits.

How would it feel to share a good laugh with him, in person, and place a hand on his shoulder? What would it be like to finally give him that hug he asked for? Absentminded in his sleepy state, the thought washed over him again. They would meet at his home; they decided that early on.  Skeppy joked that Bad might cry when the moment finally arrived, and a packed airport was such an awful place to do that. Light hearted or not, deep down they both knew he was right.

Once he was there, forget the privacy of the indoors. He’d wrap  Skeppy in his arms, welcoming him with a grin on his face right there in the doorway. He’d hold him close for as long as he’d allow and pat his back before letting go. In his tired stupor, Bad could almost feel his friend’s arms around him already. He wasn’t really a hugger. At least, he’d never describe himself as one, but this was different. He sighed, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment at his own eagerness. Truly, by far, the worst part of living indifferent time zones was the distance between them.

But that wouldn’t be for long.

He dropped the fantasy at the sound of Skeppy mumbling on the other end of the call.

“Sorry,  whadja say?” he asked, adjusting his headset.

“I can’t wait ‘til next week,” he repeated.

He was smiling. Bad could tell by the tone of his voice.

“Oh,  _ wow...  _ Is it really just a week away already?”

He remembered the date in the corner of the screen. It  _ was.  _ They had been planning it for months, getting a more solid picture as the days went on. It was a running gag for so long that it was hard to believe it was finally happening. One week, and they’d finally meet in person.

“Are you  gonna give me my hug?”  Skeppy asked, as if reading his mind only moments prior.

Bad laughed in response. “Of course I’m going to give you a hug!”

“A hug every day? Like you promised?”

“Well, hey, woah-”

“And buy me that muffin I asked for? I didn’t send you all that money for nothing,”

“ Oh my goodness, I know, I know. Yes, I'll buy you a muffin,”

He ran a hand through his hair and laughed. There were times he regretted not refunding that $50,000, but if he did, they would have one less inside joke to make, and where’s the fun in that?  Skeppy mumbled something incoherent again and another thought swam through Bad’s head. He was tired; it was rare to hear  Skeppy so out of it unless that was the case. He must have missed sleep last night, or had disruptive dreams. Something that would disturb his rest too much for it to really count, but what could have caused it?

…

It had been, how long... a few weeks at least, maybe months, since Bad had a restful night. He could manage  himself just fine during the day, at least most of the time, but once the night came his imagination ran wild. He couldn’t begin to guess how much sleep he lost to a busy mind, or how much was tainted by... those dreams. They left him sitting up in bed, guilty tears burning his eyes, more times than he wanted to recount.

He would never wish that on  Skeppy , nor the exhaustion it left him with, but maybe...

Was he thinking of him too?

He snapped back to reality at the sound of his name.

“Bad, did I cut out?”

“Uh- yeah?” he responded. “Did you say something? I didn’t hear,”

“ Mhm , I can’t believe I’m finally 21,”  Skeppy said, his smile showing through his voice again. Bad shared in the gesture.

“ _ I _ can’t believe you’re finally 21. Time’s flying,”

“Yeah, and we owe everyone a drinking stream now- Don't think I forgot. I’m not  gonna let that one slide, I actually want to do it,”

“I know,” Bad pointed an accusatory finger at the screen, as if  Skeppy could see him.

“Only light stuff though,” he said. “And I'll buy it, since it’s a special occasion for you,”

“ Ooo ~  _ nice, _ ”

Skeppy clapped his hands together. “We're doing this. That’s  _ my  _ word, not  _ yours,  _ so you know it’s really happening,”

“ Wh \- hey! When have I ever lied about-” he stopped himself  short. Skeppy snickered under his breath at the comment. There was a silent acceptance between them that the conversation was better off dropped, otherwise they’d be arguing until sunrise.

“Well,” Bad said. “I think I’m  gonna head to bed,”

Skeppy whined in protest, prompting a round of consolation. They spoke back and forth, bleeding the interaction dry. Anything to talk just a second longer until there was no excuse left. With one final goodbye, and one quick “I love you”, they ended the call.

Bad rubbed his eyes again and slipped his glasses back onto his face, adjusting them before checking the clock one last time.

_ 4:01 AM _

He sighed and rose from his chair.

“I  _ really  _ should stop streaming this late,”

He prepared for bed, slacking on his nightly routine to make up for lost time. Morning would come if he didn’t hurry.

Within minutes, Bad found himself tucked into his sheets, staring up at the ceiling, alone with his thoughts again. He was doomed once he shut his eyes. He knew that, but like every night, he let it happen. Anything for that momentary bliss, even if the guilt would eat him alive in the morning. He rolled onto his side, closing his eyes and cupping his hands in front of his face. The heat of each breath lingered on his skin, warming him like in his fantasy. The sensation made his heartbeat pick up pace. How pitiful, he thought. How embarrassing that that’s all it took.

Against the black backdrop of his eyelids, he could see  Skeppy in front of him, his features soft in the absence of any harsh light. His black hair cascading against the pillow and blending in with the darkness, blurring the lines between him and the scene that surrounded them in Bad’s imagination. 

Bad held that image right there, taking in the moment as he oft did. He proved himself more sentimental than he’d ever admit to friends, or himself for that matter. He held it there until his heart stilled and mind cleared, until he was tired of waiting and was ready for sleep to take him. He leaned his head in, stopping short as a new thought interrupted him.

_ There’s something wrong with me,  _ he thought. But that wouldn’t be the first time. That’s what he struggled with for weeks now. Predated by  _ Is there something wrong with me? _

The simplest train of thought there could be. A question and an answer, with no room for guessing, that wounded him every time. He’d have to stop this one day. He knew that, but...

Skeppy plopped a hand over his face and choked out a laugh.

_ “What?”  _ Bad asked.

_ “Nothing. What’re you thinking about?” _

Bad snickered.

“ _ Nothing,”  _ he replied, mimicking  Skeppy’s voice.

He remembered the call. How it ended. A simple “I love you,” from them both. He wondered how  Skeppy would feel if he ever found out that he didn’t mean it the same way.

“ _ Just you,”  _ he added.

As long as it was nothing bad,  Skeppy wouldn’t have minded it.

_ He’d just... smile. _

_ He’d smile and brush it off. _

And that’s exactly what he did.

“ _ You can think of me in the morning. Try to get some sleep now,” _

Bad returned his smile like always. He nodded at him and leaned in again. Without deliberation this time, he brought two fingers to his mouth and pressed his lips to them.

“ _ Goodnight,”  _ he said.

“ _ Goodnight,” _

There was a pang in his chest as he gained the self-awareness to realize he’d done it again. He hated that he felt like this, that he relied on these fantasies so much. There was never any way to shake the bitter taste that it left on his lips, but he always fell victim to it.  _ Pitiful  _ was right- there wasn’t a more fitting word in the whole English language to describe how he felt for himself. He pulled his arms closer, ignoring the emptiness between them. 

_ This is the last time, I swear. _

Then there was a buzz, and his eyes shot open.

His phone, left  laying on his desk, illuminated the room for a moment before fading back to darkness. And just like that, the illusion was broken. It was him. It  _ had  _ to be. But it was too late to answer, he already told Skeppy he was heading to bed. He had no excuse to still be awake.

It was going to be a long few hours.


	2. Body Aches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wanted to post this a couple days after chapter one and here we are, almost a week later. I'm blaming that on me getting sick. Sorry about that one!

For just a split second, there was darkness. Nothing but the sounds and feelings before the visuals registered. There was a chorus of voices, merry and laughing in the distance. A clinking of glasses and shifting of seats. The sound of rain pattering against glass not far from where he stood. He could feel his legs moving, a wetness under his eyelids, then the cool metal handle of a door in his hand. The warmth that enveloped him faded as his shoes met wet concrete and a chill hit him. With that, and a bell jingling above, his sight finally returned.

He bowed his head, getting a good look at himself, before turning his eyes to the sky. He wore the finest suit he ever  saw, one he didn’t remember buying. His shoes were shined, his watch stainless steel. The sky was a mix of greys. If it weren’t for the street lamps and restaurant lights illuminating the scene, he wouldn’t have known it was night. Raindrops tapped his skin and beaded up on his glasses, letting him know he’d spent enough time staring up at them.

He wiped them on his cuff, brushing strands of wet hair from his face before positioning them back where they belonged. How  peculiar , he thought.

_ This one’s new. _

Bad took a look at the building behind him. Stone with a long, hedge-lined window up front. Its name written in a font so intricate that he couldn’t make it out adorned a plaque above the door. Despite the noise he heard when inside, not a single soul was behind the window.

The road ahead beckoned for him as he turned back to it. 

_ Run,  _ it said.

_ As fast as you can. Until your lungs give out. _

His lungs, had they been aching this whole time? He only noticed now. The asphalt glistened, calling his name, but...

To hell with it. None of it was real. It was better not to make any hasty decisions.

Bad stepped forward, his shoes splashing in the water that pooled where the sidewalk met the road. He balanced himself with his hand as he eased down to sit on the curb. Water soaked the seat of his pants, enough to make him cringe; financial security be damned, it’s just not right ruining clothes that nice. He took a breath and tried to commit everything to memory.

The restaurants. The rain. The suit. The running. Whatever it all meant, if it interrupted the usual dreams it  _ must  _ be important.

The babbling water at his feet grabbed his attention. It reminded him of something, but what? Something about the ebb and flow, the way it trickled over and around the surface of his shoes. He lifted one and watched the droplets fall from the sole and splatter below. Almost like...

That’s it.

He brought a sleeve to his eyes, trying to wipe them dry. There were tears there before- he remembered, but they never fell. What he’d give to know why they were there, or what he was supposed to be running from.

As if answering him, the bell jingled in the distance. He shot around to see a familiar face standing in the doorway, looking on in fear.

_ Oh? _

_ “ _ Huh,” he mumbled under his breath.

“You’re...  taller __ than I expected,”

Maybe that was just his mind making things up, trying to piece him together in the absence of any good point of reference. The figure started towards him, and he turned back around, crossing his arms over his knees and resting his head on them. He fixated on the restaurant across the street, it’s appearance nearly identical to the one he exited, but people dined inside, accompanied by a piano sitting under a spotlight.

Despite the distance, Bad could make out the shape of a man sitting at it, studying the keys with admiration. He touched his fingers to the ivory, sending the notes echoing into the world. They hit Bad’s ears in sync with the squelching footsteps behind him, growing louder each time.

He heard it before.

_ What was it called again? _

There was a warmth on Bad’s shoulder. His eyes darted to the hand that rested there, the skin tone and cuff not matching that of the figure from the doorway, and his heart stopped. He looked up and felt the suffocating heat of his sheets over his head.

Bad lurched, eyes wide, and propped himself up on his arms. Sucking in a breath, he tried to readjust to reality. Waking so abruptly would never get easier. He took note of everything around him; the sunlight seeping in from the cracks in the blinds, the distant sounds of his roommate preparing her breakfast, and the mess of white fur at the foot of his bed, sitting up with eyes wide.

“Aw, Lucy,” he whined.

“Did I wake you?”

He reached over, apologizing as he stroked her fur. That was enough for her to settle back down. It didn’t take much to make a dog happy, after all. A few pets and scratches later, Bad felt accustomed to the morning and was ready to begin his day. He threw his blanket aside and rose from his bed, planning the day in his head. Get ready, eat breakfast, walk the dog, get to work- but first, the phone.

He ignored the stiffness in his joints from thee poor night’s rest and made his way to his phone on the desk, a text notification appearing on the screen as he turned it on. Several notifications, upon further inspection. All from  Skeppy . The first from last night- er, morning. The last seven from mere minutes ago. A smile spread across Bad’s face as he read them.

_ “I almost forgot to mention I sent you something. Did you get it yet? You should’ve by  _ _ now _ _ I think. Let me know!!” _

_ “Bad,” _

_ “Bad,” _

_ “Bad,” _

_ “wake UP,” _

_ “DUDE,” _

_ “BAD  _ _ BAD _ __ _ BAD _ __ _ BAD _ __ _ BAD _ __ _ BAD _ __ _ BAD _ _ BAD,” _

_ “BAD. DID YOU GET IT. IT’S SO LATE ALREADY. GET UP,” _

He snickered, his fingers tapping on the keys. There was just a second of consideration before he hit send- it wouldn’t be too mean if he made him wait a little longer, would it? No, it might be kind of funny, he thought... Until the words  _ Zak is typing...  _ popped up on the screen. Bad hit send.

“ _ Sorry!! Woke up late. I’ll check soon,” _

That wasn’t too serious, was it?  Skeppy wouldn’t think he was annoyed, right? Bad sent one last message to reassure himself there was no misunderstanding.

“: D”

There. Just like that, Skeppy stopped typing. He began again a moment later, finally sending a simple,

“ _ Oh _ _ hey lol,” _

…

Yeah. That seemed about right. It didn’t take long for him to follow up.

“ _ Vc _ _ later? Tell me if you got it?” _

Bad typed up a quick response.

“ _ I’ll call you when I’m free! Give me an hour,” _

He set the phone back on his desk before stepping over to the bed to shoo Lucy off. He barely got his hands on a sheet before his phone buzzed again. Then again.

“ _ UUUGHGHGHGHGHHH,” _

_ “ok,” _

Bad read and rolled his eyes. He’d be back soon enough.

Deciding to hurry, he finished making his bed and threw on an outfit before heading to the bathroom to fix himself up. Face washed and hair combed, he made his way to the kitchen for breakfast, finding that his roommate already finished hers and was off tending to her own plans for the day. As he sat at the table scooping spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth, the dream drifted its way back to him.

_ What did it mean? _

It was so different from usual, and that place... There was something nostalgic about it. Like he’d been there before, but he had no recollection of that night. Maybe nostalgia wasn’t the right word.  Déjà vu. That’s more like it. But  _ why?  _

One long thinking session, and a wasted, soggy bowl of cereal later, he decided it was pointless to dwell on it. There was a whole day ahead of him and far greater problems at hand than one odd dream. For now, all he needed was to get through today, then through  tomorrow , and the next day,

_ And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that... _

As long as he drowned out the memory of last night, he might just be fine.

He threw out his leftovers and filled the bowl to soak in the sink. Then it was time for the morning walk. No package at the door, no letters in the mail. Finally, sitting down at his desk with a huff, it was time to start work for the day. Before anything, he called Skeppy as promised.

“Hello?”

“Hey! I di-”

“Did you get it?”  Skeppy asked, clearly bouncing with excitement.

“I was about to tell you, no. Sorry,”

Bad could hear the wheels of  Skeppy’s chair squeek.

“Oh,”  Skeppy said. “Well, don’t be sorry. You’ll get it soon. I don’t know why it’s taking so long, I ordered it like a week ago,”

“Hm,” Bad hummed, opening a notepad, already littered with lists and paragraphs, on his desktop.

“Are you sure you got the right address?” he asked.

“Of course I did,”

Bad clicked away at his keyboard, adding another video idea to a list in the notepad. He already knew by the silence what was coming next.

“...What was it again?”  Skeppy asked.

Bad rolled his eyes again and read it off.  Skeppy’s energy returned after that.

“Ok, yeah! That’s the one I sent it to,”

He laughed and Bad’s heart skipped a beat. There was no need to hide his blushing face when his camera was off but he couldn’t help it. He was perfectly content typing with one hand, the other covering his mouth and a cheek. In a moment of excitement, he muted his mic. A quiet “oh, gosh,” escaping his lips. Not missing a beat, Skeppy went on a sarcastic rant.

“Wow, I see how it is. Fine. Mute up and laugh at me, I get it,”

He joked on, leaving Bad glad that he couldn’t hear his giggling over the call.

_ That’s  _ _ gonna _ _ be a tough one to deal with when he’s here in person. _

He skipped farther down the note and started another paragraph, listening to  Skeppy ramble on. The words came easy with his voice in the background, despite his tone. A welcome change from the usual brain fog that always settled in and stopped him from doing, well, anything really. Something about it grounded him like nothing else could. It seemed like the only thing that could stop Bad from thinking about  Skeppy was  Skeppy himself. Not the most convenient solution, but he’d take it for now. As long as he kept going, he might manage to finish-

“You think I’m stupid, I get it,”  Skeppy said.

Bad’s fingers froze above the keys. With a quickness, he unmuted his mic.

“ Skeppy , no! I don’t think that,”

Skeppy argued back with a sarcastic tone. “No, you do. You have to because why else would you mute and laugh at me?”

“I  _ wasn’t,  _ I promise. I just-”

Skeppy interrupted him, Bad interrupted back. They argued back and forth playfully, speaking over each other the whole time. Anything to get the last word in. That was the real issue at hand, it always was. There was never a time where they truly argued, at least, not since they really became friends; their petty feuds were all some intricate game that only they understood. Seeing who could be “angry” longer was the only real goal.

Twenty minutes of lost time later,  Skeppy caved in to Bad’s apologies and silenced himself, not yet ready to drop the act.

“ Skeppy ?” Bad called out.

No response.

“ Skeppy , c’mon,”

The silence dragged on. Bad held back a frustrated groan, not wanting to instigate any more complaining. A part of him worried that maybe he  _ had  _ upset his friend somehow. Sure, this was typical of him, and he never took issue with Bad’s comments before, but what if this time was different?

_ No, that’s silly. There’s no way he’s mad at me. _

He shook his head and returned to his typing, sure that  Skeppy would quit soon enough. One paragraph down. Then two. Three, four, his eyes glossing over the time in the corner of the screen every so often.

_ No way. _

The line on the screen blinked in and out of existence, waiting for him to continue. His chest felt tight. It was just a joke, of course it was. Not a funny one, but still just a joke. What an embarrassing overreaction, to panic so genuinely over that. He took a deep breath, choppy and painful, and remembered the burning in his lungs from the dream. He parted his lips to speak before double guessing. The only thing that could make his worry worse was  Skeppy knowing about it; It’d be better to stay quiet... right? No, he should say something. Anything. He could just say his name again, ask where he was...  _ or  _ keep his mouth shut. That was  _ so  _ much easier.

He sighed, resting his hands in his hands. Suddenly, that urge to run didn’t feel so mysterious anymore. Maybe that was just his nature. He considered it for a moment, weighing the pros and cons in his mind. It wasn’t too cowardly to avoid conflict. Nobody liked it, after all.

He shook the thought from his head. Enough was enough, he decided. This was far too much of an overreaction. Making the words up as he went, he broke the silence.

“ Skeppy , I’m not falling for it... I know you’re just messing with me. It’s not  gonna work,  m’kay ? I’m too smart for that- and you are too. I never said you weren’t. You can ignore me all you want,”

_ That wasn’t rude, was it? _

_ “ _ I really think you’re smart, ok?” he added sheepishly. This whole fake-confidence thing was so unnecessarily difficult.

After waiting a bit more for good measure,  Skeppy responded.

“You mean that?” he whined. “You think I'm smart?”

Bad’s shoulders dropped, relieved at the tone of his voice.  It _ was  _ still just a game to him.

“’Course I do,”

“And funny?”  Skeppy added.

“Yes, funny too,”

“What about...”  Skeppy drifted off in thought, leaving Bad in silence. Much more comfortable this time. Confidant that all was well between them, his hands met the keys again. Mid-sentence, he opened a new tab. He could have sworn he heard it would snow soon. A quick search later gave him his answer. Next week. Wednesday, to be exact. Early enough for the snow plows to clear the streets before they’re ready for the day.  _ Perfect.  _ They could take a walk then, he decided. He’d convince him the morning of, that way he didn’t have time to change his mind. “ _ What if it kicks up again while we’re out there?”  _ Skeppy would ask, and he’d shut him down before he got the chance to make his case. An impulsive venture; that’d appeal to him too much to refuse. Bad took a mental note of his plan. It wouldn’t be easily forgotten.

“...handsome?”  Skeppy finally finished.

“I-  _ What _ ?” Bad asked.

Skeppy held his mic close- he must have. His voice was never so clear. 

“Do you think I’m handsome too?”

Bad’s blood froze in his veins. If it weren’t for the butterflies in his stomach and ache of his heart beating at his  ribcage, he would have thought he died. He spoke so seriously; it must have been a joke. An unintentionally cruel joke.

_ There’s no way he knows. I’m not that obvious, I can’t be. _

_ … _

_ I can’t. _

He searched through his scrambled mind for the right thing to say and, God, was there any good answer? “No” was just, well. Just mean, right? It’s insulting, but “yes”? How was he supposed to tell him that? Just spit it out like it was nothing? It  _ was  _ nothing, at least it  _ should _ be, but Bad could feel the fire in his face, could see the veins protruding in his white-knuckled hands as he gripped the edge of the desk. That wasn’t nothing.

Even with eyes wide open, he could see a future where  Skeppy was right. One where the snow kicked up again and it decorated his hair with speckles of white. He’d let out that goofy laugh of his, having too much fun to be upset or say “I told you so”. The bitter cold would make him stand closer for warmth, not thinking twice about it. He would notice Bad’s blush then. 

_ “What do you think?”  _ he’d tease. “ _ Does it look nice?” _

_... _

“...Yes,” Bad said, breathless. “Beautiful,”

He froze again. Too panicked to speak, to brush it off as a joke. 

“Dude. Chill,”  Skeppy said, his voice soured. “Don’t make it weird,”

Bad wanted to die then. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed at his eyes, not daring to let tears form in them. Not now.

“Sorry,” he choked out, trying not to sound too hurt, but  Skeppy noticed. He always did. He spoke quietly, regret laced in his words.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “It’s not that deep,”

The poor choice of words made Bad’s gut twist. He curled an arm around his stomach, trying to soothe himself.

_ Maybe to you it’s not-  _ but he wouldn’t dare say it out loud.

“It’s not weird. I didn’t mean it like that,”  Skeppy continued. “You just caught me off guard, that’s all,” He softened his voice before adding on, “Thank you, really,”

Bad forced himself to breath steady “Just the wrong word, huh?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, I guess. I  dunno ,”  Skeppy eased his way back into a joking mood. “I always thought you were the beautiful one, out of the two of us,” He snickered, trying to hide the sincerity. Bad rolled his eyes at the comment.

_ At least he’s not weirded out. _

_ “ _ Gee, thanks  Skeppy ,”

With some time and a bit more reassurance, the knot in Bad’s stomach began to unwind. The sudden burst of emotion left him drained, but there was a bright side. Not having enough energy left to worry made the rest of the conversation easy. They stayed on the call for hours, not always speaking, just there for each other’s presence. Lunchtime came and went, along with a discussion of their plans for the following week.

“I’m dying my hair for real this time,”  Skeppy said. “I already got the dye and everything,”

“We’ll film that one for a video, right?”

“Yup. It might be a short one, I don’t want too much of it to be just me waiting for it to set. We can probably pad it with something,”

Bad began another list, noting down different ideas. “Just talking about stuff would work. Or some-” he gestured absentmindedly with his hand. “some running joke, maybe,”

“Yeah, that’d work fine,”

Bad nodded, adding more to the list.

“Ok, so” he began. “Monday we’re  gonna vlog the meetup, Tuesday we’ll do that. Wednesday...” he remembered the snow. He didn’t want to risk what would be the only calm day they’d have together. “I have something planned for Wednesday, but it’s supposed to be a surprise. I’ll tell you then,”

That was enough to keep him from guessing.

“Alright,”  Skeppy said. “Monday vlog, Tuesday hair dying, Wednesday’s for whatever your plan is, Thursday and Friday, uh... We can figure that out later. Maybe we could take a break one of those days,”

“That’d be nice,” Bad anticipated the week being hectic beyond imagination. Any break would be appreciated.

“And Saturday’s the drinking stream. It’s all figured out. Or like, mostly,”

Sunday he’d be leaving around noon; nothing to fit in there. They already knew it’d be a sad day, and didn’t want to think about  it yet.

They finalized their plans, leaving the finer details for their future selves to worry about. Improvising with the little things made them more entertaining, they decided. It wasn’t long after that that  Skeppy wanted to end the call, needing to catch up on his own work. The two exchanged goodbyes and parted, leaving Bad alone again. Not in the mood to deal with what he knew was coming next, he opened up a new tab, searching for a video to fill the empty background. Settling on one long enough to outlast his writing, he felt content enough to finish what he started.

That little outburst earlier almost drove him mad.

_ I really need to hide that better. I can’t just go around  _ _ embarrassing _ _ myself like that. _

The only thing more shameful than getting caught was being the only one who knew and having to pity himself for getting scared in the first place.  Of course Skeppy couldn’t tell. It wasn’t even that big of a deal.

“I’ll get over it,” he mumbled to himself, trying to speak it into existence.

“ _ But,  _ that’s a problem for another day,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second song is by a band you definitely already know. Eagle eyed readers might have caught the title somewhere in this chapter.
> 
> Oh, and an important note: There are things I have planned for this fic that might happen irl before I get to write about it. I've been planning the story for a while now and have no intention of changing it just because of that. If you ever come across something in the fic and question why I included it if it happened already, that's why!  
> Thank you again for reading!


	3. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, mostly conversation, but it's full of things you'll need to remember later.  
> You might have noticed that I changed the rating from teen to mature. When you get to that part in this chapter and start asking yourself if what you think is happening is ACTUALLY happening, the answer is yes.  
> Also. Funny coincidence, how Bad was screaming about how sleep is giving him stress on Karl's livestream and Vurb tweeting about him having a dream of Skeppy. Huh.

His hands cradled the block close, only letting go to wipe the sweat from his brow.  It’s feeble glow was the only thing that existed in the darkness. He touched his forehead to the cool plastic. Closed his eyes. Whispered under his breath.

“ _ What am I going to do?” _

***

It was almost done; he was almost home. That was his favorite part of this one. Pushing through the door, shedding his winter gear, and finding him seated in front of the fireplace. The peace of that sight was unmatched by anything reality had to offer. It was the purest form of fantasy.

He shuffled through the snow, set on his path, until a screech rang through the scenery, melting it before his eyes. The clouds above faded to a white ceiling, his puffer unfolding into bedsheets and pajamas. And there, pelting his chest with her paws and yapping away, was a tiny white dog.

“Lucy,” he groaned. “ _ Really?” _

She stopped and stared quizzically at him, cocking her head to the side. There was nothing going on behind those eyes. Bad laid his head back on the pillow and shut his eyes again only for her to return to the onslaught.

“Ok!” he yelled. “I’m up, I’m up! What’s wrong?”

Bad sat up, nudging her off him and grabbing his glasses from the bedside table. Blinking the sleep away, he mourned the loss of the dream’s pleasantries.

_ Five more minutes, that’s all I needed. _

He ignored the dog’s continued barking and yawned.

_ Maybe it’s for the best. I need to stop thinking like that or it’s never going to stop. _

A quick glance at the clock and his stomach dropped. He rushed out of bed, not bothering to tidy it up. Throwing on an outfit and scooping the angry pup up in his arms, he made his way to the front door and readied for their walk.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he crooned, tying his shoes. “I didn’t mean to sleep in so late- it's ok, we’re going now,”

He latched her harness and attached the leash, then pulled the door open. A box sat just outside. He snatched it up as the dog yanked him forward. Plain cardboard, the sticker on the side bearing his address. Realizing what it was, a grin spread across his face. The rest of the walk was spent in his head as he guessed what the gift could be. Something light, and not too expensive. Maybe a troll for one of his videos? Though, he wouldn’t have been so excited about it in private if that were the case. Eager to know, Bad hurried his way inside once they reached home. Barely remembering to take off his shoes before bounding to his room and texting a message.

_ “SKEPPYYYYYYY I GOT  _ _ IT : _ _ D” _

Bad turned the box over in his hands. It was small and perfectly square, the corners scrunched down from the rough journey to his doorstep. He shook it lightly, nothing moving inside.

_ What could it be? _

His phone buzzed, the screen lighting up blue with  Skeppy’s name at the top, the options  _ ACCEPT _ and  _ DECLINE _ below it. Bad hit  _ ACCEPT  _ and his friend appeared on the screen, walking around his bedroom.

“Hey!” he said. “I just got your message.  Whaddya think, do you like it?”

“Oh! I didn’t open it yet,” he ignored  Skeppy’s frustrated groan as he clarified, “I was waiting for you to say something so I could do it on call, you read my mind,”

“ Well I’m here! Do it, I  wanna see if it works!”

_ See if it works? _

He was done with waiting. He set the phone on his desk and took a seat in front of it, then got to work peeling tape from the box. Struggling, to  Skeppy’s amusement, and eventually finding a pair of scissors to finish the job. He pulled the flaps open and slid a smaller box out, this one decorated with colorful designs.

“Huh... Oh!” A chuckle escaped his lips. “I wasn’t expecting  _ this,” _

He split the second box open, producing a small cube and pamphlet from it.

“It’s a-”

“A diamond ore!”  Skeppy interrupted. “Get it? Like my  minecraft skin,”

“Like your  minecraft skin,” Bad repeated. “That’s funny,”

The outer shell was painted in block of greys, a layer of blue plastic underneath it. There was some mechanism inside. He turned it over, finding a latch and switch on the underside.

“It needs batteries, you have some right?”

Bad nodded and rummaged through his drawers until he found two loose batteries. He popped the latch and inserted them, hoping they still had enough juice to run, and looked back to the phone.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Go for it,”

Bad flipped the switch on. Nothing happened.

“Um...”

He tried again, still nothing.

“Well. That’s anticlimactic,”  Skeppy said. “I guess it’s faulty. Maybe it broke on the way there?”

“Maybe. The box was a little banged up- oh, wait!”

Bad opened the pamphlet and skimmed through. He turned to  Skeppy with another smile.

“I think I've got it now,”

He held the block up to the camera and tapped it’s topside. A faint light emitted from the blue spaces. Another tap, then one more, and the light was at  its maximum brightness.

“I see it!”  Skeppy yelled, nearly dropping his phone in excitement.

Bad shared in his excitement, not speaking but happy nonetheless. The light was barely visible with the sunlight overwhelming the room. Night would be a better time to get a look at it, he decided. He’d check it again once it was dark out, but until then he’d be content with what he could see.

“So, do you like it?”

“Yeah, of course! But, just wondering, why did you send me this? Just for fun?”

“Well, no,”  Skeppy said, placing his phone on his own desk and sitting down. “Just though you needed something to remember me when I’m not around. Y’know-” He did a little gesture with his hand. “Because you think I’m just so beautiful. I’m not trying to deprive you,”

“You’re never going to let me live that one down, huh?”

“Nope,”

Bad shook his head. He dug his own grave with that one and had no room to complain.

“I thought you said I’m the beautiful one?” he asked in jest.

“We both are, it’s different though. Like... you’re beautiful in a pretty way, if that makes sense,” He snickered, face contorted with embarrassment. “Oh, god. That’s stupid. Uh- pretend I never said that, I didn’t mean anything by it,”

Bad left the camera’s view, faking discomfort for an excuse to hide his excitement. 

“Bad!”  Skeppy called.

“Bad, come on... Ugh, fine! Act like that! I know you can hear me, I’m  gonna end the call!... I have things to do!... Bad?”

He waited, calling his name a few more times before finally giving up. He wished him well, contempt clear in his voice.

“Bye!” Bad slipped in, just as the call ended.

He giggled to himself as he sat back at his desk, proud of his act, and of his composure. He managed to retain it the whole way through this time. That wasn’t an easy task. The smallest lapse of it creeped up now that he was alone, just one thought before he could quell it.

Pretty.

That wasn’t the first time he called him that.

…

Night came before he knew it, and the light didn’t shine much brighter. Bad wouldn’t call himself disappointed, no. He cherished the gift. It just didn’t reach far. He placed it on his bedside table from under the covers and laid down eyes locked to it, the blue glow comforting him in a moment of stress. He wouldn’t engage in that nightly ritual. Not now. Enough was enough.

Bad shut his eyes tight, intent on not opening them until morning. No thoughts, no fantasizing, only sleep until the sun rose. The blue was the last thing he saw before drifting off.

***

_ Something is wrong with me. _

It echoed in his mind again.

Choppy breaths led way to tears singeing the corners of his eyes, cold plastic in contrast to his burning fingers.

What was that? A dream he recognized from before but... worse. So much worse. Dangerous and far too scandalous for him to justify. Was it some kind of punishment for denying himself that one kiss before bed? Or was it the light?

That found its way into his hands before he even thought to grab it. His eyelids parted, nothing but blue in sight. A touchy man, no, but  _ sentimental?  _ That’s where he folded. He placed it back on the bedside table and flung himself against the mattress with hands gripping clumps of brown hair. As he shifted a bit, the tightness of his pants grew all too hard to ignore. 

He pulled his shirt over his face, wiping sweat off with it, exposing his hot skin to the cool air. The sensation did him no favors. Fiddling with his waistband, repositioning himself- nothing. Nothing worked.

As a last-ditch effort, he slipped out of his room as discreetly as he could manage and hobbled to the bathroom through the dark. Sink running, yellow light illuminating the room, he gazed into the mirror at a face he barely recognized. Flustered, hair mussed, red eyed. A few splashes of ice-cold water couldn’t fix it, to his disappointment. He stared on. Everything felt tight now.

It was a good day. Why did it have to end like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder what that dream was about, and if you'll hear about it later? Hmmm...  
> No song this time. There'll be more chapters than songs so I'm gonna be picky about when, or how, they're revealed. I do think it would enhance the experience if you gave each of them a listen as we go on, though.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! I am still interested in input, good or bad, because I could always stand to improve my writing.


	4. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was being kind of a perfectionist about this one. There's something a bit personal woven in.  
> Please make sure to read the end note.  
> 

“See you tomorrow,”

What a lovely way to say goodbye.

Lovely, had it not made his stomach churn with self-loathing. Ever since that gift came, he was haunted by the pale shade of blue it emitted, like a moth to flame. Even now, it sat illuminated on his desk, begging for his attention against his better wishes. He shook the desire away, fetched a hard lemonade, and sat at his desk. A little drinking, a bit of writing, that would put the edge off. If only he could form the words.

Bad’s fingers never even met the keys. An empty note document glared at him, the blinding white taunting his indecision. He took a swig of his drink and leaned back, eyes to the ceiling. In a days' time,  Skeppy would be looking at the same one. Not the same sky in a far-off city, not the ceiling of a hotel in some foreign country, but the ceiling of his own home. He’d share it with him, finally, but at what cost?

He failed at the one thing he needed to do: kill whatever affection he held for his old friend. The past few nights were all the same, the days no different. He spent them skipping meals, putting off work, calling off streams. Showers were nothing but a place to stand and soak in steam and scalding water. Just somewhere to wait until his skin burned red and the pain grew too unbearable to take any longer.

It was supposed to be perfect. He was supposed to be happy and well. Everything was falling apart and it was all his fault. Bad had half a mind to ring  Skeppy back up and call everything off. The shame would pass with forgiveness for the whole ordeal, and of course  Skeppy couldn’t help but forgive. How cruel, though, to spend all that time planning just to change his mind at the very last second.

_ Might as well wait until he boards the plane. _

Self-critical as always, Bad downed the rest of his drink and brought another to his room. As he sat back at the desk, the blue light faded out. Five minutes. That’s all it shown for before an automatic shut off. Already missing  its comfort, he tapped it back on.

Skeppy sent it out weeks ago. Long before the stupid comment, long before Bad committed himself to writing his feelings out. Did he know it’d destroy him? That it’d ruin his last shred of dignity? Or was he really just that oblivious to being the object of desire? 

He wasn’t that type of person. Clever, not presumptuous enough to decide something like that, but certainly not blind to it all. Whether it was the way Bad stuttered and panicked at compliments, or the way his voice warmed and softened when they spoke,  Skeppy had to have picked up on something. He had to have some semblance of an idea of what was going on.

It was on purpose, Bad decided. Wrong or right, it didn’t matter.  He couldn’t deny the fear.

That was all he needed.

_ He knows. I know he knows. _

Brevity was good enough. His fingers barely touched the keys before his phone buzzed alive. A message from Dream. He was usually too preoccupied with other friends to talk so late. Bad opened the message and scanned the paragraph in the speech bubble.

“ _ Hey. Wondering if you wanted to talk? I didn’t want to say anything and be too pushy but you seemed upset when we talked yesterday. Just wanted to give you a heads up instead of calling out of nowhere in case you didn’t feel like having a convo. If you don’t, I hope you know I’m here for you whenever. Love you dude  _ _ 😊” _

Bad grimaced.

He thought he’d been well enough during the day to fake his usual demeanor on George’s stream.

He debated the call for a moment, typing up a reply. An excuse like sickness or sleep deprivation could assuage Dream’s worries, or would it? He wasn’t the type to mind Bad’s mannerisms, good or bad. For him to show concern for him was too rare of an occurrence. Maybe he wouldn’t accept that excuse? If he knew better, then what could he say? It sure would be nice to get the truth off his chest, but...

...

He was scared to meet  Skeppy . That wasn’t the full story, but it was good enough. A half  lie . That’ll do. A win-win situation that didn’t need continuation, and Dream was a good friend- a trusted friend. He didn’t want to leave him hanging.

Bad deleted his words and rewrote his reply, then hit send.

_ “I think I do want to talk. Is it ok to call you?” _

The words  _ Dream _ _ is typing...  _ popped up not a second later.

“ _ Join vc, I’m the only one on,” _

Bad left his empty note behind and joined the call, Dream greeting him the moment he did.

“Hi!” he replied.

“So, what’s up?” Dream asked, wasting no time. “You seemed off yesterday, you had me worried,”

Bad tried to muster the right words, enough to get the point across without giving away too much.

“Well..” he said. “It’s not that big of a deal. I didn’t think I was doing too bad anyway. How did you notice?”

“I  dunno , you were just quieter than usual. Something felt wrong,”

Bad nodded, understanding. Keeping his mouth shut was the only way to ensure he wouldn’t slip up and say something to ruin the mood. Apparently, the silent treatment didn’t sit well with people who knew how talkative he was. He barely heard Dream asking again if he wanted to admit what was wrong.

He fidgeted with the plastic bit at the end of his hoodie’s drawstring and cleared his throat.

_ A good friend. A trusted friend. _

He mumbled into his headset, voice cracking despite his efforts.

“The truth?” he asked.

“ Mhm \- if it would make you feel better to say it,”

The warmth in Dream’s voice was unparalleled. The option to back out was always on the table, as useless as that was now.

“You know  Skeppy’s flying out soon, right? He’ll be here tomorrow?”

“Uh huh. Nervous?”

“You have no idea,” Bad said with a huff.

Dream chuckled, a small “Of course,” slipping out from under his breath.

“Of course,” he repeated with more infliction. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that- aw man, it’s ok. I’m sure everything’ll go fine,”

Bad dropped the string and stretched, his voice straining as he choked out, “Yeah, well...”

“’ _ Yeah, well,’”  _ Dream mimicked. “It’s  gonna be ok, I promise,”

He nearly cut himself off trying to add onto that. He corrected himself, admitting that it might be awkward at first.

“-but that’s all, and it’s just because it’s the first time.  There’s no way you guys won’t warm up to each other quick. How long is he staying again?”

“A week,” Bad clarified.

He nearly shuddered at the thought. A week sounded like nothing when they first decided on it, now it seemed like an eternity. A whole week of stifled emotion.

“Oh, yeah. There’s no way you two won’t settle in alright,”

Bad nodded his head in agreement, forgetting his friend couldn’t see it. Silence perturbing him, Dream was unsatisfied with the response. It was an odd quiet, one that left the notion that things were left unsaid. Bad felt it, at least. He assumed Dream did too. His assumption was proven right when he uttered the blood-chilling words, “Ok then, that’s all. Unless there’s something else?”

Gulping down all that was left of his hard lemonade, Bad denied it. He weighed his options.

_ A trusted friend,  _ he remembered.

“C’mon,” Dream said, smooth and relaxed. “You know you can tell me,”

“Tell you what?”

“Nothing- I mean, if you don’t want to. But I think you do. I think it’s just hard,”

Neither spoke for a time. Bad giggled instinctively, trying to shake the tension in the air. The effects of his drinking started to sink in, along with the familiar tightness in his chest.

“I-” he stammered out, tapping at the keys for a moment. “I don’t know what you’re implying,”

Dream sighed. “I think you do,” he said. “I think you do, and I think it’s more than just being afraid of things getting awkward.”

He knew. Bad sunk in his chair and grabbed fistfuls of choppy, brown hair. He groaned and choked out another pained laugh, the beginning of tears pooling in his eyes. What was the point in denying it if he knew? What saving grace was there?

He smiled. Not happy, not anything really.

“If you know then what’s the point in saying anything?”

Dream’s reassuring smile could be heard in his voice. That was one of his best attributes- the way he expressed his feelings so well through his manner of speech. It was an acquired skill that came from years of faceless conversation online.

“I think it’d make you feel better to say it,” he said.

Bad shook his head and his eyes drifted to the empty glasses on the desk. It wasn’t enough, not for tonight. He’d down the whole pack in that instant if he could. 

A deep breath, another stretch, and a blank stare at the screen. A tear streaked down his cheek, warm against his skin. He rubbed it away and tried to blink away the wetness in his eyes.

This didn’t need to be so hard. Dream didn’t need to stay so silent. It was just the right way to get Bad to cave in and he knew it. He was waiting for his answer, no matter how long it took, and he was far better at the waiting game than Bad was. That’s the magic a little peace of mind could work.

Eyes glued to the  screen, he could almost see Dream looking back at him. He didn’t need to close his eyes to picture the gentle expression on his face, warm and inviting, ready for whatever he needed to get off his chest. Bad sat up, pulled his seat closer to the desk. He hadn’t noticed when the blue light went out, but the matters at hand were a tad more important than  feeding the addiction in gave him.

“Bad?” Dream finally asked.

_ Come on, you’re worrying him,  _ Bad thought. He tried to hype himself up. This was Dream, one of his closest friends, and one of the kindest people he knew. Dream, the ambitious boy who came to him for help years ago. Who he helped with his pc, his channel, the problems he didn’t feel safe sharing with anyone  else. Oh, how the tables turn.

_ It’s Dream. _

_ A good friend. _

_ A trusted friend. _

_ … _

He cleared his throat again.

“I...”

He wiped his hands on his hoodie and breathed out, searching for the easiest way to get it out.

“...I  _ am  _ just nervous to meet him,”

“...Because?”

“Because I-”

The past few years swam through his head. Moments of laughter, of happiness. Memories of helping Dream get his start, and with growing his channel. It wasn’t that long after he created it that he surpassed him in subscribers. He remembered something he said once- something about George. The reality of his success sank in and his first thought was to bring all his friends along for the ride.  _ “I’m blowing up,”  _ he said. “ _ Come with me,”  _ He told him the same thing once.

What was he shaking for?

“I... really like him,” he finally managed.

He heard Dream shift in his seat.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah,”

Bad noticed the sticky feeling on his cheeks. Remnants of tears he didn’t realize had started falling. He felt lighter with them gone.

Smile still present in his voice, Dream whispered to him, “Hey, I’m proud of you,”

Bad coughed into his sleeve. “Thank you,” He reached for a tissue. “That  _ really  _ wasn’t easy,”

“I know. You didn’t have to do it, but you did, and I hope you know I really am so proud of you,”

“I get it, I know. Thank you again,”

Dream spoke on, trying to cool down the mood, reassuring him until the jitters melted away.

“I’m fine, really,” Bad said, scooping a small pile of tissues into the trash beside him. “Actually, I think I want to tell someone else soon. It was nice to um...” he snapped his fingers, trying to recall the word. “to confide in someone,” he finished.

“Ah. Not Skeppy, I'm guessing?”

Bad chuckled. “No- not yet, I’m not ready. I want to tell, um,”

A memory of a donation popped into his head. $100 during a follow-up stream.

“ _...if ur not feeling too hot in certain times u can always tell me. Love you” _

_ “ _ Quackity,”he said.

“Really? Damn, you two really did get close, huh?”

Bad agreed. Something about  Quackity’s humor and his meshed so well when they first interacted. His chaotic nature meeting Bad’s wholesome persona created a perfect comedy duo, and the rest was history. He was much more than just a way to give those chaotic late-night streams an extra kick now; he was a genuine friend. Maybe not as close as others, but close enough. Understanding enough for him to feel safe opening up.

“I don’t know when I’ll tell him. It’ll happen when the time’s right,”

“Of course. He’s a good guy, might joke about it though,”

“Oh, I know,” Bad said, already having accepted that fact. He was willing to subject himself to a few jabs. They’d be much funnier coming from someone in the know,  someone who’s opinion on him wouldn’t change or break his heart.

The conversation winded down, Dream ending it by  pointing out the lateness of the hour.

“Alright, I’ll let you go. You should get some sleep for tomorrow,”

They wished each other a good night, saying their goodbyes and preparing for their bedtime routines.

“Hey-” Dream caught Bad a second before ending the call.

“I love you, man,” he said.

Bad grinned. “Love you too. Bye for real now,”

“Bye!”

They ended the call. 

Bad let out one last sigh. The air was cool. His dog was already snoring away at the foot of his messy bed.

_ Just a day away,  _ he thought, memories of his desire to call it off flooding back.

_ It’s happening. No turning back now. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I wanted to mention something about a song since someone mentioned it in the comments; I'm including it in the notes to be sure everyone sees.  
> Me and a certain other author have a similar taste in music, evidently! I passed on using Helium by Glass Animals when I was planning this fic in favor of their song Your Love (Deja Vu), and as of recently, I'm glad I did. They're one of my favorite bands, and that's one of my favorite songs by them. Despite the title being from Ride With U, that song isn't that important to the fic, but Your Love is INTEGRAL to it. I HIGHLY recommend giving it a listen if you haven't heard it already. It adds to the experience and might give you an idea of some things that'll happen down the road <3


	5. Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just found out I can include Bad's dog as a character lmaoooo  
> If you didn't read the edited end note from the last chapter, please do so now! It's nothing major, I just regretted a last minute retcon to the playlist. Also, sorry for making you wait this long for the actual meetup.

Bad wiped the water from his face and glared into the mirror. His eyes were still bloodshot and framed by dark circles.

Perfect. Just perfect.

The day was ruined and  Skeppy hadn’t even arrived yet.

He ambled back to his room and threw his aching body on the bed. Desperate for any ounce of validation he could get, he pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through last night’s messages. The bright screen exacerbated the throbbing in his head with very word he read. He couldn’t help but lean on Dream for support, even after their call was ended.

“ _ I can’t sleep, I’m still too nervous,”  _ he had sent him.

What followed was paragraph after paragraph from both of them. Bad cringed as he passed by his frantic ramblings a nd tried to soak up whatever courage he could from Dream’s reassurances.

“ _ It’ll be ok,”  _ he said. “ _ I’m not going to pretend to understand what you’re going through  _ _ rn _ _ , but I know  _ _ everythings _ _ going to be alright,” _

Hard to believe that now, what with his full body aches, splitting headache, and stomach in knots. He didn’t sleep a wink, opting instead to down the whole pack of hard lemonade he had and cry his fears out, and it showed. The image of his sleep deprived, hungover face in the mirror still sickened him- not a good look for what was supposed to be the best day of his life. Without thinking, he began typing another message.

“ _ I’m sorry,”  _ he sent preemptively, an expletive almost slipping out under his breath.

“ _ -I’m sorry for bothering you again. I didn’t sleep. I kept worrying and I lost track of how many drinks I had and now I don’t know what to do. I feel like death...” _

Trembling hands left typos in their wake. He didn’t think he’d get a response, not now. That didn’t matter. He just needed to get his thoughts out before they killed him. The pain shooting through his body clouded his mind and drove him to a despair too strong to form the right thing to say. It was worse than just tension, worse than soreness. It was that same sick feeling that held him in its grasp for so long, only worse now.

“ _ It feels like I’m burning,” _

The phrase hung in his head. Like the words in a  song he listened to on repeat, they weighed on him long after the sensation they described left.

Messages sent, Bad tossed his phone to the side and hid his face under sweaty palms. A growl and tiny paws slapping at him weren’t enough to draw his attention anymore. He half expected to faint then- from anxiety or one of his other ailments. It’d be a blessing to black out and wake up in another reality. One where none of this was happening and he could go back to pulling the same excuses he always used when he was pestered about a meetup. Too busy, feeling ill, scared to travel; he could have milked those for a little more time, but no. Months and months of rejecting every advance to protect what little privacy he had left were coming to an end.

He breathed out, the stench of alcohol trapped behind his hands.

_ Great, just one more thing to worry about. _

He slid his hands up and into his hair, clenching his fists and breathing in deep. His eyes cracked open to see the world through crooked, foggy glasses. He wiped them and fixed them back on his face just in time to hear his phone buzz alive.

Dream.

Bad stared at the phone in disbelief. He fumbled for it, opening the message as quick as possible and finding that Dream was still typing.

“ _ Breath. Drink something, take some deep breaths. You’re going to regret panicking once this is over,”  _ it read.

Before Bad could type up a response, Dream sent his second message.

“ _ You’re worried about him finding out and that’s just making it more obvious. If you act all scared around him then he’s going to know somethings up,” _

Bad grumbled to himself. He had a point, but it wasn’t that easy.

“ _ Better said than done. He’ll be here in-” _

He checked the time. 12:03.

_ “an hour. Maybe less,”  _ he sent.

Each minute without a response dragged on endlessly. Mind left to  wander, he could feel himself blushing at the thought of accidentally exposing his feelings.

_ Burning,  _ he remembered.  _ Burning. _

Like fire under his skin begging for escape. Fire that could comfort or consume. He’d pay any price to know why the flames were starving today.

A buzz grabbed his attention again.

“ _ Then hurry and try to calm down now. I’m busy, I can’t talk anymore. I’m sorry-” _

A notification interrupted Bad’s reading. He recoiled at the sight of it, nearly dropping his phone in the process. His blood ran cold as he read the message from Skeppy.

“ _ I’m in the uber. Be there soon!!!!!!!” _

Whatever fear that was inside him was instantly replaced with adrenaline. He sent back a message with trembling hands, a series of happy emojis and an “ _ I can’t wait!!!”,  _ before finishing what Dream had sent.

“- _ I’ll text you later to see how everything went,” _

And just like that, he was on his feet. He slid his phone back into his pocket and smoothed out the bedspread. His outfit wouldn’t do- he dug through everything he owned, time ticking on, until he found something more suitable. Nicer jeans, a better fitting shirt, casual but still proper.

Back in front of the bathroom mirror, he got to work fixing his hair, the tiredness in his reflection only increasing the urgency inside. By the time he was clean shaven and neat enough to feel safe being seen, the redness in his eyes had faded. Bad pulled himself away from one last look in the mirror, knowing very well what would happen if he gave himself the chance to examine his looks again.

_ I look good enough,  _ he thought.  _ As good as I can get at this point. _

With that, he rushed back to his room for last minute tidying up. He scooped up the bottles from the previous night with a wince and brought them down to the recycling bin, then ran back to clear the rest of his desk of stray tissues, wrappers, and crumbs. Desk clean, bed evened out, and appearance preened, he resigned himself to waiting in his desk chair, dog in lap, eyes glued to his phone.

His stomach tossed and turned while passing the time on twitter. It was a seemingly normal day to everyone- everyone but him, Skeppy, and their closest friends who knew about the visit. A sea of fanart and mentions matched those of every other day perfectly.

_ Nobodys _ _ going to know until the Saturday. _

He breathed out. Saturday’s stream was going to be the hardest part of everything. He was going to be put on display, too inebriated to trust his  self-control enough to not make a  fool of himself.

_ I’ll just take it easy. Just a drink or two, nothing like last night. That won’t hurt. _

His leg bounced and hands shook. Bad cradled the bundle of fur sitting on him to his chest.

“Lucy-loo~” he crooned. “We’re  gonna meet  Skeppy ! Are you excited? Are you  gonna be nice to him?”

She had little interest in his fright. She laid her head on him and stared up with wide eyes.

“Are you judging me, Lucy? You think I’m crazy, don’t you... Lucy?”

The pup didn’t budge.

“ Lucy?- Rat,” he snapped. Her ears perked up, only to settle back down as she closed her eyes and burrowed into his chest.

Bad sighed and pet her fur.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, regretting the outburst. “I’m a lot more scared than you are, huh?”

He calmed himself with the sight of her shifting with each breath and the way her eyes cracked open with curiosity whenever she heard some distant noise. It was the two of them alone, building peace until a message sent it all away.

A picture of Bad’s home, taken from inside a car, “ _ This the place?”  _ attached.

Bad set Lucy down on the floor and sent a reply, already heading to the front door.

“ _ YES!” _

_ “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO”  _ Skeppy responded. “ _ I’m coming! I’m  _ _ gonna _ _ film it for the vlog if that’s ok,” _

Bad unlocked the door. One hand on the knob, the other on his phone, he sent one final message.

“ _ Of course _ _ it’s ok! Please try not to film my face  _ _ tho _ _ 0~0” _

The metal knob jiggled under his shaking hands. He didn’t need the world to see how sickly he must have looked, but  _ him...  _ he could stand that. Anything would go now, all suffering aside. It took all the willpower he had left to not hyperventilate. It was happening.  _ It was happening.  _ No more excuses, no more planning. The culmination of a two-year online friendship was  _ happening.  _ Every second sparked just a little more fire than the last, eating away until the knock came and the flame inside engulfed him.

Bad swung open the door and there he was, phone in hand, eyes lighting up with joy. There were smiles, laughs, and before he knew it, a warm embrace.

Never-  _ never  _ did a hug feel so right. Bad relished in their shared heat and clenched his eyes shut to stop tears from falling. He couldn’t help but share in  Skeppy’s laugh as he held him close. Hand rubbing his back, touch returned, he would never take contact for granted again.

“Oh, God-”  Skeppy choked out. “You’ve got me tearing up,”

He pulled from the hug and immediately burst into laughter; Bad wiped at his eyes and joined him.

“You too?”  Skeppy managed.

“Me too,”

“I totally called it,”

Bad nudged him and groaned at the festivities.

“ Well what did you expect? This is a big day!”

“I know,”  Skeppy steadied his hand, angling the phone down a bit. “Oh man, I can’t believe this! Legit, I’m so happy- I love you, Bad,”

Bad grinned, his heart aflutter. He couldn’t have cared less about the heat in his cheeks.

“Aw, I love you too, Skeppy,”

He welcomed his friend inside, showing him around and letting him narrate for the vlog. A conversation with his roommate and a short tour later, Bad welcomed  Skeppy into his room.

“ Woooooow ,” the younger whispered. “ So _ this  _ is where you do all your filming and streams and stuff?” He aimed his phone at the desk.

“Ye-”

“ _ Oh!” _

Skeppy turned the phone away and down to the ground.

“Aw, Rat! She’s so much bigger than I thought she’d be!”

She stood on her hind legs and pawed at his pants, tail wagging.

“You can call her Lucy if you want,” Bad told him.

Without hesitation,  Skeppy spoke to her in the same baby voice Bad always used, kneeling down for her. She barely let him get her name out before attacking him with a barrage of licks and sniffing. His phone slipped from his hand in the onslaught.

“Oh shit-!”

“ _ Hey!  _ Language ,  Skeppy !”

“Oh my God, she’s attacking me, chill!”

He sat back on his heals to pick up his phone and she took advantage of the distraction to hop in his lap. Bad only giggled to himself as the scene played out, ignoring  Skeppy’s complaints as she drowned him in affection.

“She likes you,” he finally said as  Skeppy rose from the floor with phone in hand and dog snuggled close. He bounced her in his arm before turning loving eyes to the man before him.

“Gee, you think so?”

Bad couldn’t meet his glare, only smiled and nodded.

“Oh, wait. Take this-”

Skeppy handed Bad his phone, their fingers brushing as the older took it in hand, sending a chill through him. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Skeppy positioned the dog in his lap to make a more photogenic scene.

“How’s this for a shot? Good?”

Bad took the cue to angle the phone correctly. He cherished the image in his heart. The love of his life sitting on his bed, dog seated with him, warmth nothing but excitement on his face.

“It’s perfect,” he said, to  Skeppy’s content.

“You can stop recording for a minute then,” he told him. Bad obliged.

Skeppy plopped the dog down on the bed and ignored her pawing at him for more attention.

“I left my bags at the door. I’m  gonna get them, then... guest room? I guess?”

“Oh!” Bad gasped. “I didn’t even notice- yeah, of course I’ll show you to the guest room. C’mon!”

It was a short journey to get  Skeppy’s belongings and head to his room for the week. He filmed the short tour around the room, as well as a bit of their banter and goofs throughout the day. It all concluded with dinner- some pizza from a local place. They ended their recording for the day to relax as the sun set over the horizon.

The lights were off at  Skeppy’s request, leaving the darkness of the night to fill the room. Bad sat at his desk, typing up a phrase that came to mind earlier in the day, reminiscent of his drained emotions of the morning rather than the rejuvenated ones that came later on. He minimized the note tab once he finished and booted up  minecraft for some off-camera grinding for building materials.  Skeppy lay in his bed, mindlessly scrolling through social media. He only broke their silence once.

“How’re you liking that?” he asked.

Bad turned to him to find him gesturing to the block on his desk.

“I thought it was a cute idea. I would have liked it to actually get here on time, but better late than never, I guess,”

“Aw, yeah, that’s a shame. I still love it though,” he said, picking it up. “And hey, look-” he tapped it to full brightness. “Can you see it better in the dark?”

A look of  disappointment spread on  Skeppy’s face.

“Not with the monitor behind it, no. Can I try it?

Bad shook off the embarrassment and tossed it to him with care. He turned back to his busywork and listened to  Skeppy tapping away behind him. “Cool,” he heard him murmur eventually, followed by the shuffling of sheets and the sound of plastic being placed on wood.

Bad’s phone buzzed awake.

“ _ So... how’s it going?”  _ Dream sent.

Bad replied with a smile.

“ _ Great <3 I felt  _ _ kinda _ _ terrible for a while but started getting better eventually. Still not great but it could be worse,” _

_ “Awesome. And everything is fine with Skep?” _

_ “Absolutely.  _ _ Everythings _ __ _ chill : _ _ D” _

_ “Nice!!” _

Bad appreciated the excitement. Not learning his lesson from any past mistake, a baseless fear popped into his head. He wouldn’t dwell, at least. Not this time around.

“ _ Hey. You didn’t tell anyone what I said, right?” _

_ “Of course not. I’d never do that without your ok. Did you tell Q?” _

_ “No. Soon,” _

“ _ Are you telling anyone else?” _

_ Huh. _

He hadn’t thought about that one enough to plan it. Did it matter?

Nobody needed to know his personal business, certainly not his attraction to anyone in particular. Even in general, would anyone  _ need  _ to know his sexuality? He wasn’t even certain about it himself.

“ _ Telling anyone about  _ _ Skeppy _ _?”  _ he asked.

“ _ About liking guys. Not that you need to say anything, I’m just curious,” _

Skeppy hopped off his bed then. With a goodnight and a “Hope you’re ready for tomorrow,” he retired to his own room. Alone again, Bad leaned back in his chair and lost himself in thought.

There was very little allure to telling everyone and anyone who’d listen that he wasn’t exactly the straightest man alive. There’d be jokes, of course, but the loss of privacy was the real issue. Most people didn’t have a purpose for knowing, and God forbid someone let it slip in a stream... The way fans would react was a million times worse than his friends. He’d never know peace again.

He typed up a response. Typed and deleted, retyped and deleted again, over and over, until finally settling.

“ _ I don’t want it to be public knowledge 0_0 I don’t want the attention. Not everyone needs to know either,” _

_ “ _ _ Oooooh _ _ yeah. I got you,” _

_ “I think I’ll tell a couple people. It’s not a priority, it’ll happen when it happens,” _

_ Punz _ _ , probably,  _ he thought.  _ Ant and Red, they probably already know, honestly... _

He ran through the options in his head. Who would keep their mouth shut, who he felt comfortable with, trying to be careful not to misjudge  anyone. Before Dream could send him anything else, he typed something up again. With some hesitation, he hit send.

“ _ Actually, I don’t care if you tell George or Sapnap,” _

Dream’s typing paused before beginning a moment later.

“ _ You don’t care, or do you WANT me to tell them?” _

Bad hesitated again. He figured he would tell them eventually, but there was something so uniquely stressful about those two in particular. Looking back on their history together didn’t bring the same fondness as Dream’s. It felt like a decision made out of necessity, rather than the desire to open up. It’d be nice to avoid the conversation altogether.

“ _ I want you to tell them,”  _ he sent.

“ _ What should I say exactly? Like what are you?”  _ He followed up with an apology, just in case he was being rude.

“ _ It’s fine. I don’t really know what I am at this point. I know I like men,” _

His hands froze after typing out the words. He’d never admitted it before, not even to himself, though he’d known it for quite some time. Hiding his crush on a friend wasn’t new, he’d done it in high school and in college, it just didn’t matter as much then. He could hide his attraction behind typical “teenage aggression” and limit himself to girls- It’s not like he didn’t like them as well. But that childish façade wasn’t so appealing now. 25 was too old to be denying a core part of himself.

He sent the message and added, “ _ I don’t think I want a label yet, but I’m definitely not straight. Make sure they won’t tell anyone else please ~_~” _

With Dream’s agreement to aid him, he set his phone down and yawned. He barely got any grinding done, but after the excitement of the day and the lack of sleep from the night prior, heading to bed early seemed like a good option. It wasn’t long before he found himself under his sheets, eyes closed, fantasizing once again. It was that little touch that got him. Just the slightest feeling of  Skeppy’s fingers against his. He wondered what it’d be like to take his hand in his own, to walk together like that, no secrets between them.

Pure bliss. That’s what it’d be. It wasn’t attainable to him, sure, but as long as this week went off without too much trouble, he might let himself think like that again without self-scolding.

He opened his eyes to lock them on the block sitting on his bedside table.  It’s light activated, and him resettling in bed, he was nearly ready to doze off.

The long week ahead was looking less bittersweet now.

He just had to take it easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canonically, Skeppy was looking and feeling his absolute best while Bad was operating off pure adrenaline and the tail-end of an anxiety attack after a morning from hell during their first meeting. But hey! At least he got that hug!  
> Two separate perspectives deserves two separate songs. Both by Queen, You're My Best Friend and Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy.  
> Thank you for reading and thank you for being patient with me! Writing can be hard. I hope you know how much I appreciate all the comments and positive feedback I've gotten on this fic so far <3


	6. Box Dye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having to write about Skeppy being attractive because the story is through Bad's point of view was the most painful part of the writing process. I've given him too much credit. I fear the possibility of him finding this only because he'd let it get to his head.

“Are you sure we’re doing this right?”

Skeppy toyed with a stray bit of plastic as he looked in the mirror. The disgruntled look on his face gave away his regret for the process. 

“I saw people online do it this way, but I don’t know... I feel stupid,” Bad hid a grin behind the paw of his hoodie. It was hard not to laugh at Skeppy, his face so sour for someone in such a silly position; plastic bag around his hair, in old clothes he wouldn’t miss if they got stained, clearly tired of the whole ordeal despite being so eager just an hour prior. Bad didn’t know what to tell him.

Truth be told, neither had a clue what they were doing. It would have been smart to go to a salon, as Bad was quick to suggest, but then  Skeppy pulled a box of hair dye from one of his bags and set his heart on going DIY. He could never deny him something he was so excited for, even if it was a stupid idea, and especially when it made for funny content. Rereading the  directions a dozen times proved pointless as the older donned rubber gloves and slathered a generous dollop of dye on each hand, nerves too frazzled by what was to come to remember what he’d read.

Phone camera set on them both, they wasted no time joking and bickering back and forth about what to do.

“I should have brought a real camera,”  Skeppy mentioned at some point.

Bad hummed an acknowledgement as he slathered the dye in his hair, keeping his own opinion to himself. He knew there was no hiding the blush on his cheeks or his ever-present smile; maybe poor camera quality was a blessing. With that, there was a chance his quiet adoration could go unnoticed. That, and the way his hands shook as his fingers tangled in  Skeppy’s hair.

Now, with nothing to do but wait for the dye to set,  Skeppy announced a short break to the camera and paused filming. He sat on the toilet, phone in hand, and grunted in frustration. Without a response from Bad, he continued his train of thought.

“I mean, I’m not wrong right? I  _ do  _ look stupid like this?”

That was enough to prompt denial from Bad.

“Aw, no! Well, ok.  _ Kinda,  _ but it’s just because of the bag,  y’know ? I’m sure  your hair’s going to look great,”

“You think so?” Skeppy asked.

_ Of course. You always look great. _

_ “ _ I know so,”

Bad slipped out of the now blue-tinted gloves and discarded them in the trash. The reassurance was enough to assuage most of the upset expression on  Skeppy’s face, but it was clear he still wasn’t convinced. He turned puppy dog eyes at Bad, only to crack a smile and look away when his gaze was met. 

_ How cute. _

He was just too self-aware of how silly this all was to stay down, Bad thought. He was too. As tedious as the process was, due to their lack of knowledge about it, it was fun. Pleasant, almost. Enough to erase the stress of his rude awakening that morning. As  Skeppy started filming again, making sure to pad the video with a little commentary, Bad let his mind wander back to earlier.

He woke to  Skeppy hopping into his bed, phone on, trying to get an entertaining opening to his video. Bad’s stomach was in knots the whole time as he clung to his sheets, desperately trying to hide his excitement from the dream he was ripped from. Goodness knew his boxers didn’t do a good enough job at covering that on their own.  Skeppy rambled on about their plans to his dismay, prolonging the headache that still lingered from the day prior.

It wasn’t until he ushered his friend out of his room that Bad had the chance to rub the sleep from his eyes and stretch out the tension in his back. That, and give the block on his bedside table a look over. He debated placing it back on his desk, but opted out, figuring it served its purpose better when it was close to his bed.

“Bad, you good over there?”  Skeppy asked, snapping him back to the moment. “You’ve been staring off into space for like, forever,”

Bad’s heart skipped a beat as he noticed the phone pointed at him and turned away. Thinking quick, he shook his head and clicked his tongue in disapproval.

“I was thinking. You might want to try it some time,” he joked, faking frustration.

“Wow.  _ Wow...  _ Just for that, I’m putting the clip of you standing around doing nothing in the video,”

“You better not, Skeppy,”

“I will! I’m  gonna speed up the whole clip and put it in and people are  gonna laugh. Everyone’ll be like-”  Skeppy picked up a shrill voice to tease him. ‘ _ Ew _ _ , why’s Bad standing just standing around like that? What a weirdo’,  _ that’s what they’re going to say about you,”

“Skeppy-”

“I’m putting it in the fucking video,”

“Language!”

“Don’t ‘language’ me in my own video!”

They filled up every moment they could with their joking argument, doing their best to improvise as much as they could before it was time to finish up with  Skeppy’s hair.

When the time finally came,  Skeppy announced a cut between clips before taking another break from filming. He groaned in frustration and set the phone down.

“Dude, I’m so stressed. It’s going to look so bad,”

Bad disagreed with him again, trying to build up his confidence. He helped him peel the bag from his hair, exposing the mess of bright blue underneath to  Skeppy’s disgust. It certainly didn’t look as good as it could have in that state. Bad asserted that there was no need to worry- all they needed to do was rinse out the excess and then they’d see how it really looked.

He started up the shower and tested the water with his hand until it ran warm.

“How’s my shirt? Any stains?”  Skeppy asked.

Bad turned around to check. “Hm, turn around... nope! All good,”

“Alright, cool. I think I’m going to take it off real quick,”

Bad’s face flushed red. That one sentence, that was all it took to scramble his mind.

“Uh, you mean now? Like, right now?”

“Yeah,”  Skeppy said, grabbing the end of his shirt. “I don’t want it to get all wet,”

He gave it a quick tug before stopping himself.

“Can you help me?” he asked. “I can’t let it touch the dye,”

Bad could almost feel the steam pouring out his ears. His heart pounded so loudly he worried that his friend might hear it. He nodded his head just a bit too eagerly, despite his desperation to shove his feelings deep inside him. They worked out the plan quickly;  Skeppy held his collar open wide, keeping it from touching the blue goop, Bad pinched trembling fingers against the bottom of the shirt, waiting on his friend’s ok to start lifting.

“Ready?”  Skeppy asked.

Bad nodded again, not trusting his voice not to crack.

He slid the fabric up, exposing tan skin to the cool air. Each inch sent his mind racing more than the last. He couldn’t help but think back to the dream he had that past night- the dreams he had for the past week or so. Something different every night, with their varying intensities that always managed to leave him worked up no matter what. Last night, the feeling of hands against hot skin... Lips against his neck, hands fidgeting with his belt buckle, all of it felt so close to reality now.

“C’mon, you don’t have to go  _ that  _ slow,” Skeppy complained.

Bad complied with one final nod and sped up the process. He slipped the shirt off over his head and fought every instinct to stare, to admire every curve, every blemish on  Skeppy’s skin. He mumbled a quiet “The water’s warm,” and averted his eyes as his friend leaned into the water to rinse his hair out.

Letting out a strained breath as quietly as he could, Bad folded the shirt and placed it on the counter beside the phone. What now, he asked himself. What should he do? Leave? Help him?

He allowed himself one last glimpse, knees nearly caving under him as he did.

_ No- he  _ _ definitely _ _ doesn’t need help. _

That split-second glance revealed  Skeppy’s back, the toned muscles flexing as he worked his hands through his hair. Beads of water dripped down over his shoulder blades despite his efforts to stay as dry as possible.

_ Calm down, calm down. Don’t be weird or freak him out... _

Bad instinctively looked down, checking himself for any clear giveaway for his wandering imagination. Finding himself unlucky, he wasted no time excusing himself for a moment. He rushed away and, safe behind the closed door of his room, was finally free to express himself.

“ Oh my goodness, oh gosh-” he whispered under his breath. He paced the room, flapping his hands and giggling from excitement. It was hard not to feel self-conscious about the childish squealing but God, he wasn’t expecting that today, or at all. 

After a short allowance to fawn over his friend, Bad took in a deep breath and tried to compose  himself .

_ Settle down,  _ he thought.  _ Remember why you had to leave? You can’t let stuff like that happen, that would be such a bad way for him to find out. _

He cleared his throat and pushed back his hair, frazzled as it was after the lapse in control.

_ The worst way for him to find out, actually. _

Suitably calm and body finally catching up to his state of mind, he returned to the bathroom. Skeppy was still leaning into the shower, water turned off, trying to squeeze the excess water from his hair.

“ Oop \- here,” Bad said, reaching for a towel to hand to him.

Skeppy thanked him and  draped it over his head.

“I think I’m not supposed to rub it dry or anything, I just don’t want it dripping everywhere,”

He gave his hair a few pats with the towel before bringing it down to rest around his shoulders. Soon, it was dry enough to manage redressing without wetting his shirt. Fully clothed, and only a bit let down by the outcome, he filmed himself in the mirror again.

“So...”  Skeppy drifted off, running a hand through the semi-wet strands. “I don’t know. Bad, what do you think?”

“Huh, well, it’s not bad,”

Not bad, but certainly not too good either. Without proper bleaching, the bright dye didn’t  seep in well enough. It was more of a blue tint than a solid color, but in Bad’s opinion,  it worked well for his friend.

“I think it would have looked better if you bleached it first,” he added. “-but I get why you didn’t. It still worked pretty well. I like it!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” 

They closed out filming with a quick outro not long after; just a short clip of what his hair looked like once it dried and a few last-minute thoughts. With that, they both settled into Bad’s room.  Skeppy lying in bed, Bad at his pc.

“Is this going to be a daily thing now? You in my bed?”

Skeppy gave him a playful smirk.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Me in your bed every day?” He forced a jokingly flirty voice. “Guess that’s just my way of repaying you for letting me stay here for free. I need to make it up to you somehow~”

Bad rolled his eyes and shook his head as he turned to his monitor,  Skeppy laughing at himself in the background.

_ At least one of us thinks it’s funny. _

After some time spent messing around on servers and scrolling through social media, Bad noticed a notification on his phone. One he missed since he left it on the desk to focus on the hair dyeing. He opened it and the corners of his mouth curled down in disgust. It was a message from Sapnap.

A simple,  _ “do you think  _ _ im _ _ hot” _ . No capitalization, no punctuation.

Dream told him.

Bad shot back with a  _ “No?” _

_ It’s ok,  _ he told himself, trying not to feel hurt by the assumption.  _ He just doesn’t get it, it’s alright to not get it. That just means I need to talk to him about it. That’s going to be  _ _ a _ _ little awkward... _

Awkward conversation was exactly what he was trying to avoid. That’s why he wanted Dream to take on the task of telling him and George for him, but apparently that wasn’t enough.

Sapnap replied, as brisk as before,  _ “why not”. _

_...What? _

_ “I don’t think every guy is hot. That’s not how it works.” _

_ “ok I get that. I'm not asking if you’re into me  _ _ tho _ _. I mean like objectively am I hot” _

_ Oh. _

Bad rolled his eyes again. He knew very well  Sapnap would just keep bugging him about it if he didn’t get a solid answer so, peeved as he was, he replied.

_ “Sure.” _

_ “lol nice” _

Well. At least he knew he didn’t have to worry about educating anyone. Unless...

Bad typed up another message.

_ “Did Dream tell George?” _

_ “ _ _ yeah _ _ he told us together. he was just like Oh Ok and that was it. can I tell  _ _ karl _ _ ” _

_ “Absolutely not,” _

A worrying amount of time passed before  Sapnap finally responded with  _ “ok”.  _ Enough time to prompt Bad into asking if he had told him anyway.

_ “like just now? no" _

_ “What about before that?” _

_ “lmao yeah you got me” _

Bad dropped his head into his hands. Karl wasn’t exactly the worst person to know, but he never intended to just tell him outright. He closed his eyes and tried to maintain what was left of his sanity, otherwise he’d have no choice but to send a strongly worded message.

_ “I didn’t tell him you were gay or anything I just told him you liked dudes and he probably shouldn’t joke about fucking you. that’s all.  _ _ bc _ _ people joke like that with you a lot and idk its rude now right? it feels rude”  _ Sapnap sent.

_ “Ok. That’s fine. Thanks.”  _ Uncharacteristically brief. Bad hoped that was enough to get his stern mood across.

_ “cool. If anyone says something homophobic to  _ _ you _ _ I'll beat the shit out of them” _

_ “Ok.” _

_ “hell yeah. love you brother” _

_ “Love you too.” _

Phone set back on the table, Bad sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“You good?” Skeppy asked.

“Yep,” Bad lied. “Just tired,”

Well. At least he’d never have to worry about Karl finding out now that he already knew. That was something. Something annoying, but still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sapnap is blissfully unaware of the irony behind outing someone then threatening to beat up homophobes and you know what, since it all ended up well, good for him. I wish I were that self-assured.  
> Anyways, thank you for reading again and sorry for taking so long to update! I was really struggling with the beginning of this chapter for some reason.  
> Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering: you might notice people getting mentioned in the story without being tagged. That's not because they aren't going to actually get involved, it's just because I don't like cross tagging. Getting name dropped, in my opinion, isn't reason enough to tag someone. Tags will get updated when someone gets an actual role in the story.


	7. In Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been snowing a lot lately. I feel like now is an appropriate time for this chapter.  
> Also I refuse to accept that Bad is actually shorter than Skeppy. I'll believe it when I see it.

He was right. They both were. About everything.

The allure of impulsivity had convinced  Skeppy to take the walk, and he did worry about the snow starting up again, just as Bad thought he would. It  _ did,  _ and that old fantasy couldn’t compare to reality.

Snowflakes found their home in  Skeppy’s hair, decorating the mix of black and blue like stars in a night sky. Bad, caught staring, couldn’t even find it in him to feel embarrassed. The red in his cheeks was excused by the cold without any doubt, as was the shaking in his hands. The little hints of affection weren’t important. What really mattered was the sight before him; the ear-to-ear grin  Skeppy wore, the flattered laughter, the joy on his face.

He really did look beautiful. No doubt about it.

If he could trap that moment forever, relive it over and over again, he would- but Bad knew that it could never work. It was only a matter of time before his friend turned the mood around, and he did.

Mischief replaced the joy with quickness.  Skeppy took advantage of Bad’s absentminded state to ball up a handful of snow.

“Bad~” he cooed.

The older raised his arms defensively.

“ Oh, don’t you  _ dare,”  _ he said, backing up.

Before he had the chance to retaliate by arming himself, he was pelted at, flakes splattering into bits against him. He yelped in surprise before scrambling for the nearest pile of snow. It was a frenzy. An all-out battle that lasted far longer than anticipated. By the end of it, each was crumpled on the ground in a fit of laughter, oblivious to the world around them and shivering in their soaked-through clothes.

Eventually, they found their way home, hanging their coats at the door and changing into fresh outfits in their rooms. Bad took a quick trip to the bathroom while  Skeppy made his way to the kitchen.

He admired his reflection in the mirror, a glow shining through his face. Reddened cheeks, nose, and ears played a hand in that. It was the healthiest he’d looked in, what, a week or two now? He smoothed out his sweater and tried to flatten his damp, disheveled hair to no avail, eventually figuring that it didn’t matter how he looked at this point, and left to meet Skeppy.

Bad walked in with a smile, hand lingering on the doorframe.  Skeppy was seated at the table.

“Nice look,” he joked, pointing at the brown mess on his head.

_ Ok, maybe it did matter... not that much though, I think. _

Bad laughed it off and turned the joke back on him.

“Oh, like your hair is any better right now,”

True to his friend’s words,  Skeppy’s hair was looking bleak. Flat and weighed down by the wetness of the snow. Bad beamed, sure that the blue-clad man regretted starting that snowball fight without knowing how good his aim was.

“Could be worse, could be worse,”  Skeppy said, running a hand through soaked strands. “Could be as ugly as that sweater,”

“Wha-? What’s wrong with my sweater?” Bad pinched loose fabric, tugging it forward for a look.

“it’s just so plain,”  Skeppy laughed. “You wear so much black. Like, literally all your clothes are black,”

Bad groaned a “No I don’t,” under his breath and pulled out a seat next to  Skeppy . He changed his mind almost instantly and went for the coffee machine instead.

“You want some coffee?” he asked.

“Sure, I’ll have a cup- and yeah, you do. Don’t try to deny it,”

Bad shook his head. He could feel  Skeppy’s eyes on him as he pulled filters and a can of coffee grinds from the cabinets. He set up the pot in silence, mentally chiding himself for a second once he realized he should have raised the heat. The machine turned on and two cups ready, he decided to head to the thermostat before he forgot. He heard a mumble as he stepped out.

“What was that?” he asked.

Skeppy fiddled with his hoodie’s drawstring, pulling it lightly and tightening the hood around his neck.

“Do you still have my hoodie?” He brought an aglet to his teeth and chewed on it, eyes raising to meet Bad’s.

“Oh, ‘course I do. Why?”

Skeppy shrugged his shoulders. “I  dunno , just wondering,”

He cleared his throat and gave nothing but a nod as Bad left for the thermostat.

_ Maybe I should wear that... It’s been a little while. _

He didn’t want to let on how much that one piece of clothing meant to him, but what a lovely hoodie it was. Oversized and personally signed, it was one of his most prized possessions. On his way back to the kitchen, he couldn’t help but smile at the memories he had of it.

Thinking it’d been a little while since he last wore it was an understatement. It was at least a month since it adorned him; he didn’t want it facilitating the fantasies as they grew harder to resist. Back before then, however, he couldn’t stay out of it. He’d snuggle up in it at night, covering his face up past his nose with the collar, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep in its warmth. He’d envision  Skeppy with him just as he did every night. He’d pretend he stole it from him and he just let him keep it. That grew impossible when the realization that  Skeppy was smaller than him and wouldn’t have worn the large thing broke the immersion, but it was a sweet concept until then.

Back in the kitchen, Bad seated himself like he  originally intended.

“You know,”  Skeppy started, preventing any quiet. “-despite the cold and wet hair and all that, I’m glad we got caught up in the snow. I haven’t seen the stuff in so long,”

“Yeah, me neither! It never snows here, we really got lucky,”

_ Mission accomplished,  _ Bad thought, excited over his successful plan.

Coffee was ready soon enough. Bad fixed both their cups and brought them to the table.  Skeppy took his eagerly for a sip.

“Ow-! Shit, that’s hot,”

Bad rolled his eyes. “Duh, it just finished brewing,”

He received a grimace for that one, which he brushed off with a chuckle.

In between sips and conversation, Bad found himself lost in thought. Not truly distracted but not all that present. He cupped his hands, cozy around the heat of the mug, and just stared. It was nice to find some respite from the cold outside. His eyes drifted off, indistinct words floating through his ears.

Skeppy’s hands were so... what’s the word? Not frail or weak, no.

_ Fragile? Spindly? _

_ Delicate. _

Delicate. That was it. Thin fingers rested on the table when they weren’t lifting the mug to his lips. Every once in a while, he’d tap one against the surface. Perfectly manicured nails left clicks when he did. Bad studied the lines below the skin, bones that showed through with ease. How nice it’d  beto hold those hands, he thought. Soft, light things that’d fit perfectly settled into his palms.

“Oh, God. Can you see them shaking?”  Skeppy asked, derailing his train of thought.

“Ah, just a little,” Bad lied, resting his own hands scandalously close to his on the table. “You’re that cold?”

“Yeah, feel ‘em,”

Skeppy touched icy fingers to Bad’s warm ones. The sensation shocked the older almost as much as the thrill from the contact. His heart skipped a beat as the chill slid over his hand, fingertips examining every inch. They ghosted over his knuckles, over the veins, not minding the initial pullback.

“Yours are bigger than mine,”  Skeppy noted. Was that a dreamy tone in his voice, or just surprise? Bad couldn’t tell. The younger added in a quiet “-and so warm,” before his friend pulled his hand back to the mug.

“Ha, it’s because I’ve been holding my mug. The  coffees keeping them toasty,”

Skeppy let out an agreeable  _ mmh _ __ and cupped his hands against his own mug.

“I should have thought of that sooner,” he said. “I saw you holding it like that and was like ‘ _ aw, that’s cute’  _ and didn’t even think about  _ why  _ you were doing it,”

Cute.

_ Cute. _

It melted Bad in his seat.

He nodded and brough the drink to his lips, trying to hide the blush peeking through his face. Finding the attempt insufficient, he rose and went to the sink, downing the rest of the coffee before filling it with water and setting it down.

“ I’ll wash that later,” he said, more to himself than to  Skeppy . “When you’re finished you can just fill it in the sink too, okay?”

“Alright, man,”

Bad opened the cabinets, still looking for an excuse to not show his face.

“Are you hungry? You’re probably hungry, right? I’ve got some snacks- some chips, crackers... uh, cookies, I think. I’m  gonna look for those, hold on,”

“Hmm... You know what would be really great?”

“What?” Bad asked. Hands digging through bags and packages.

“Well, you remember that muffin you promised? I  _ did  _ give you fifty grand,”  Skeppy drifted off sarcastically.

“The what?”

“The muffin!”

“Hmm,” Bad hummed. “Not sure if I remember that one,”

“Sure, Bad.  Sure you don’t. I totally believe you,”

“ Skeppy , I promise, I have no idea what you’re talking about,”

He continued searching through the snacks, listening to  Skeppy rant about how he’s definitely messing with him, how they talked about it just last week and etcetera, a grin on his face the whole time. Hands met a plastic container and he sucked in a breath as quiet as he could. He tried to contain to coming smile as well as he could to really sell the act and turned around, container in hand.

“Oh, this?” he asked, holding it up to view. Inside was a single  bluevberry muffin that made  Skeppy’s eyes light up with joy and annoyance.

“you  jckass ,” he laughed. “Yes, that,”

Bad stifled a giggle as he placed it on the table.

“I didn’t plan that, I swear. I didn’t even know we had one left,”

“Aw, well. You don’t  _ have  _ to give it to me if it’s your last one. I’m just messing with  you, you can keep it-”

“No, no, no, go ahead. It’s all yours,” Bad interrupted.

After a bit more debating back and forth,  Skeppy accepted the treat. He popped the plastic clasps open and made quick work of his snack. Bad took the liberty of bringing his mug to the sink for him after getting a nod of approval, a sign that he was done. As  long as the requests stayed small and light-hearted, he’d repay him for that donation in no time.

“ Mmf , you know what else?”  Skeppy mumbled, chewing his last bite and crumpling the wrapper in his hand. “You promised me a hug every day, too,”

Now  _ that  _ was a little less small, at least on Bad’s end. Despite everything in his body screaming not to, he raised his arms, opening himself up for the hug.

_ Play it cool, treat it like nothing, and everything will be fine. Simple as  _ _ that. _

_ “ _ Really?”  Skeppy asked. He received a nod in response.

“ _ Really,  _ really?”

“Yes, come here!”

Skeppy dropped the wrapper on the table and wiped his hand against his pant leg.

“You didn’t give me one yesterday so I’m  gonna make it a long one, are you actually sure you want to do this?”

“ Oh my goodness, yes! Just hug me already!”

There was a mix of eagerness and anxiety in his voice. Something he was sure  Skeppy picked up on. As hesitant arms curled around him and he was enveloped in warmth, Bad gave up fighting the hopeless romantic mindset that consumed him for so long. He rested his head against his shoulder, his touch returned as  Skeppy did the same. There was a voice in the back of his head urging him to stop. To change pace. He wanted to lift him off his feet, swing him a bit as a joke, break the calm with something playful, but he didn’t.

He let those delicate hands he was enamored with smooth the fabric against his back and cling to him. Eyes shut, hot under the touch, he was finally content.

“You’re bigger than me in general, huh? Not just your hands...”

Skeppy breathed out a chuckle, low and soft. “I can’t believe you’re actually taller than me,”

Bad passed up the opportunity to clown on him for the comment. It was a  vulnerable moment that he wasn’t about to ruin.

“I  dunno ,” he said. “I think we’re about the same,”

“Nah, there’s maybe an inch or two between us. I’m a little thinner, too,” he laughed.

Bad hummed in agreement. It wasn’t much, but regardless of height, there was something sweet about feeling big compared to him- about his friend admiring the difference between them. He never felt particularly large or strong, to his constant dismay. Years of struggling with not being “enough” in his own eyes always haunted him. They only relented more recently as he grew to accept that the  expectations he held for himself just weren’t realistic. Now, the thought of achieving that goal in his own way, in  _ their  _ own, special way, revitalized a tad of his self-worth.

Skeppy’s hoodie came to mind. Bad could give him one of his own so they could match. He was fond of buying ones one size up; they’d be as big on  Skeppy as his was on himself. That’d be a sight.  Skeppy in his hoodie, frame obscured in the endless stretch of fabric, his smaller stature highlighted by the garments sheer size. Bad wondered if he’d close his eyes and dream of him too. If he’d pull the collar over his face and run hands over the soft fleece. If he’d find his lips against his own hand and a burning in his cheeks.

As if he didn’t think the same thing a million times before, Bad reminded himself that he’d never want  Skeppy to deal with the same starving guilt he had, but to be yearned for in return? Longed for at night? Desired in  every way by the one he loved most? He’d give anything for  that .

As they broke apart and brown eyes met green with a tenderness, a particular regret washed over him.

_ Why did I have to panic? Why did I move my hand? The way he touched me was so... ugh. We were having a moment and I cut it off short. _

He could almost still feel the icy digits against his skin.  Skeppy had practically covered his pink-tinted had with his own before Bad stopped him, and now this.

Why?

…

Skeppy smiled his way through more conversation, happier than before. Nothing meaningful was said. They chatted and shared their time until the sun began to set and they found themselves in the same old position as every other night. Bad at his monitor,  Skeppy lounging on the bed.

Bad nearly forgot that he promised  Quackity he’d make an appearance on his  smp stream, sitting down to a dozen missed messages that nearly gave him a heart attack. Showing up almost an hour late ended up being the joke of the evening. The only saving grace was knowing it was all in good fun with no grudges held- that, and the texts  Skeppy kept sending him that distracted him and almost blew their cover.

Bad, with the materials he’d grinded for prior, combined with what he’d gotten on stream, tried and failed to build a few new statues, constantly getting accosted for content. After a long hour or so of laughs and such,  Quackity got to wrapping things up.

“Bad. Boy. Halo. What a night,”

“What a night, Quackity,” Bad groaned, feigning annoyance.

“Let me say, it’s been a pleasure having you here. Would have been even better if you showed up on time-”

“Hey!”

“No ‘hey’! Chat was laughing at me! You made me look like a joke, it’s all your fault!”

Bad smirked at the fake anger in  Quackity’s face on the screen.

“You don’t need my help to look like a joke,” he said.

The music on the stream cut out.  Quackity stared at the camera with disgust, ignoring the flood of emotes and laughs in the chat. Tiny giggles escaped Bad in the silence. He just couldn’t help himself when the opportunity to mess with him presented itself so clearly.

“Ok yeah, no, we’re done. We’re done for the night. Goodbye,  Badboyhalo . Goodnight, dickhead,”

“Language, Quackity!”

Quackity leaned into his mic and adopted a new, angrier tone.

“Say that again. Say that to my face right now, come on. I dare you. I dare yo-”

“ _ User disconnected from your channel,”  _ cut him off and left him in shock.

Bad regaled the prank to  Skeppy , the two snickering to themselves instead of paying attention to the end of the stream. Bad only popped in for a final goodbye at  Quackity’s insistence before leaving the call again.

“Well,”  Skeppy said through a laugh. “I think I’m going to go shower now, actually. It’s getting late,”

Bad turned around in his chair, watching as  Skeppy hopped from the bed and headed towards the doorway. He glanced at the time on the screen.

“Aw, it’s not-”

_ 1:04 AM _

_ “ _ Ah, well. It is. It is  kinda late,”

“I’m probably going to bed after, unless you want to hang out some more,”

Bad rested against the back of the chair. It would do him well to get some rest for once, but...

“Well, we never really figured out what we were going to do tomorrow or Friday, did we?”

Skeppy leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed limply over his chest. He sighed something soft before managing the words.

“Um... So, here’s the thing. I figured that maybe we could do nothing? Just hang out? I mean, I’m only here for a few more days- I don’t want to be thinking about work the whole time, or filming everything. I just  wanna spend time with you,”

“Really?” Bad said. “Aw... Ok, well, I guess you can go back to bed when you’re done then. I won’t keep you up anymore,”

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh,”

Skeppy flashed a doubtful smile. Aside from that and one last offer to stay up, he seemed glad to have an opportunity for some time to himself. Bad waved him goodbye as he left, then returned to the screen. He logged out of the  smp for the night, opting to spend his time doing other things, but what? He barely had the time to decide before  Quackity called him again.

“Bad,” he said. “That was cruel. You killed me. I’m never going to recover from that one. I need to drown my pain in food now. Can you hear it?”

There was a crunch over the call.

“Yes, I can hear it.  Also, I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

Bad’s smile could be heard in his voice. It was almost embarrassing how proud he was of such a simple joke, but making the chat go wild would never get old. It was hard not to let something like that get to his head every now and then. Noticing the bitter silence  Quackity was stewing in, Bad couldn’t help but continue to mess with him.

“ _ Oh,  _ you mean how I left your call in the middle of a bit and you were all alone?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,”

“I’m  gonna be honest,” he said, dishonestly. “That wasn’t even a joke. I was just super busy and needed a break,”

Quackity took another bite of his food and groaned at him.

“Sure, sure. ‘Busy’, I believe it. Busy with what?”

Bad minimized the tabs on his screen, leaving himself to face a horribly disorganized desktop. 

“Busy with things,” he replied.

“You mean with  Skeppy ? - Oooh that’s right! Dream told me he was going to see you. It’s about time, man. You only had him waiting forever,”

Bad objected to the complaint. He multitasked with their friendly argument and deleting old, useless files from his desktop, trying not to feel too bad about the teasing. He had kept the meetup private for a reason.

_ So much for that. _

Eventually, only after exhausting just about every bit of banter they could, the mood calmed and the two settled down into their own business, enjoying each other’s company over the call. Bad leaned back in his chair, happy with the progress he’d made in cleaning up his desktop. It was a fair amount for one night, he decided. He looked up, eyes locking  ont eh ceiling above.

How strange he thought. How wonderful and uniquely strange that all this time trying to sync sleep schedules, lamenting over the distance, and only finding solace in what little they could actually share, would result in this. Him and  Skeppy \- they weren’t just under the same sky anymore. Not the same sun or moon, stars or clouds, but the same roof. The same home. It wasn’t long since  Skeppy was laying under the same ceiling he was looking at, probably as happy as Bad was to be there.

It wasn’t easy to think of him fondly, what with  Quackity chowing down in the background and narrating the whole thing, but he managed.

“In all seriousness,” he heard after a while. “How’ve things been with him? Good?”

“Really good, a little stressful though,”

“Why’s that?”

The words stuck in Bad’s throat.

That wasn’t supposed to happen.

…

Funny.

Bad recalled the conversation with Dream from a few days ago. He still had every intention of telling  Quackity , and now was as good a time as any, but it still felt like a hurdle.

He could have said it just then, “ _ Because I like him,”  _ but maybe he wasn’t as comfortable with the anticipated jokes as he thought he was. Or maybe he wasn’t entirely sure it’d end well. If he waited to talk about it until he was absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt comfortable, then he’d take the secret to his grave, but that didn’t give him much consolation.

Heavy debate and a good dose of anxiety just come with the territory, he supposed.

Bad wiped sweaty hands against his pants and leaned forwards, resting his arms on the desk. A leg bounced anxiously below.

“Ok, so-” he choked out. “Can you keep a secret?”

Quackity swallowed the food in his mouth and took a moment to think.

“Is it bad?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so... I hope you don’t think so,”

“Ok...? Well, that’s a little ominous, but I’ll take a leap of faith and say sure, I can keep a secret. What’s wrong? What’s so stressful about having  Skeppy around?”

Bad steadied interlocked his shaking fingers to steady them. Deep breathes barely comforted to tension in his chest as he tried to force the words out. Nothing but “ Um,”s and “ So,”s would come out, despite his best efforts. Eventually, bored of waiting and trying to ease Bad into it with a joke, Quackity laughed at him.

“What?” he asked. “Is he just too cute?”

That was enough to make Bad snicker a bit, at least. He sunk in his chair, red in the face and desperate to just get it over with.

_ Just say it. It’s like ripping off a  _ _ band aid _ _ , like... like... That’s it really. One and done. _

_ “ _ Yeah, pretty much,” he admitted, perhaps a bit louder than intended.

“... _ What?”  _ Quackity erupted into laughter. “Bad-”

“It’s not funny!”

“ _ Bad,  _ you’re so- that's so...?”

“I know, oh my goodness. You don’t have to rub it in,”

Quackity struggled through the hysterics, trying to catch his breath enough to form a full sentence. Bad, clearly not pleased with the spectacle, kept his mouth shut and waited. The younger eventually silenced himself with a gasp, the sound of his palm slamming over his mouth rang over the call.

“Wait- are you serious?”

“...Yes,”

“No,  _ please  _ tell me you’re lying,”

Bad wiped wet palms against his pants again. “No, I really like him,” he said through a shaking voice.

“Oh my God. Fuck, I owe Karl so much money,”

Almost instantly, the anxiety from the night faded out of mind. Bad sat straight, leg stilling.

“ Wa \-  Quackity , you bet on this?”

“ Yes, I bet on it and fucking God, I lost so much,”

_ I can’t believe he’d- that’s so... Wait. _

_ “ _ Out of curiosity, when did you make that bet?”

“Yesterday, why?”  Quackity groaned. Bad had his turn to laugh then,  ignoring the barrage of “What’s so funny?” on the other end of the call.

“Oh my gosh, you got scammed! You got scammed~” he crooned. “That’s what you get for making a weird bet!”

“What do you mean I got scammed?”

“ Sapnap told Karl I liked  Skeppy yesterday, he already knew! He scammed you!”

There was a thud in Bad’s headset. Then another, and another. The unmistakable sound of a hand slamming against a desk.  Quackity must have hit it a dozen times before settling back down and trying to join in on the lighthearted mood.

“Ugh, screw him. I’m not giving him the money; I’m telling him you told me that and ending it. So not fair...” he joked. He snuck in a congratulations for Bad, not knowing what else to say in response to something of that  calibur , and asked who else knew.

“Y’know, because I don’t want to mention it around the wrong person,”

“Obviously Karl knows, and  Sapnap . Dream and George, too.  That’s it so far,”

“Wow,”  Quackity scoffed. “We're actually the most annoying people you know, even I’ll admit that. You really trusted all of us to keep that secret?”

Bad nodded, temporarily forgetting that his webcam was off before answering him with a “Yes,” He could almost hear the sense of pride in  Quackity’s voice when he responded. He was happy Bad could trust him, and that was more important than anything else in the moment, the older thought.

Suddenly, there was a door creaking. Bad turned around heart freezing as he found  Skeppy standing there, hand on the knob.

“Hey, just wanted to say goodnight real quick,”

“Ah- ok! G’night,  Skeppy . I’m...”

_ He didn’t... hear that. Did he? _

_ “ _ I’m sorry if we were being a little loud,”

Skeppy looked at him with exaggerated confusion. “Huh?” he questioned. “I didn’t even hear anything,”

“Oh, well good! We’ll try to keep it down anyway so we don’t bother you. Hope you sleep well!”

“You too,”  Skeppy said with a smile. He exited again, leaving Bad back to his conversation with Quackity.

“That was close,” he whispered. “He could have caught us,”

“That would have been sad for you. I would have started planning your funeral. Wait, actually, there’s no way he doesn’t already know you like him,”

Bad didn’t like that implication. He denied it wholeheartedly, not willing to cave in to his fear that he was really that bad at hiding his feelings.

“No,”  Quackity warned. “He definitely knows. He knows you better than anyone, he  has to have picked up on it,”

“Please don’t say that, I’m already worried about it,”

“Good! You should be because it’s probably true!”

It was all in jest.  Of course it was. That was no confirmation of his fright. Bad repeated it to himself in his head, drilling the idea in as deep as he could.

_ He has no idea. I know he doesn’t. _

_ Unless _ ...

Well.

Everyone thinks he’s bad at hiding things.  _ He  _ thinks he’s bad at hiding things.

Then there was the block, a seemingly random gift.

And the hoodie.

And the way he touched his hand, the way he held him and went soft in his arms...

…

Bad ignored  Quackity’s voice once more. He turned around to look at the block on his nightstand. It’d find its way into his hands soon enough, just as it did every night since he got it. That wasn’t intentional, was it?

_ Was it? Does he...? _

_... _

Despite having raised the heat earlier, Bad found his hands inexplicably, painfully cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably one of my favorite chapters so far, I hope you guys enjoyed it! I thought it'd be better to condense two short chapters into one slightly longer one, since there was no real reason to separate the two halves in the first place.


	8. Thursday Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, and the next one will be too.  
> Sorry for that, and for the late update. Life has been getting in the way of writing lately. Updates might continue to be slow but I have every intention of continuing this fic to completion so don't worry! All I ask is for a little patience for a while.

“Ok, I was a little nervous, that’s all”

His words were sweet as honey as they flowed out under his breath. Sweet, something to savor and indulge in. Something Bad had grown accustomed to in moments like these.  Skeppy paid no mind to the look of relief that washed over his friend’s face. He was too preoccupied with scrolling on his phone with one hand and fidgeting with the other from within the hoodie’s pocket. Fingers rubbed together, knuckles making tents in the fabric where they peaked. Just as expected, his form was lost in the sea of black fleece. Folds obscured his form.

“What about you?” he asked. Curious eyes peered out from over his phone.

Bad averted his gaze. It was an easy sight to get lost in-  Skeppy sitting beside him on the couch, reclined against the armrest. Sunlight danced in his hair with as much grace as the snow did. That wasn’t something he could look at and think straight at the same time. He laid back against the cushion behind him with a  _ humph,  _ tugging his tightening collar from his neck and ignoring the pattering paws that grew closer by the second.

“The truth?” he choked out.  Skeppy answered with a nod

A hand met the nape of his neck. He massaged the sore spot as he searched for the right words to say. It was always so easy to tell too much, despite his best efforts. He wondered if there was even a point in trying to be secretive anymore. Memories of the previous night and  its conversation still festered in his mind.

“ _ Listen,”  _ Quackity told him. “ _ All jokes aside, you should just tell him,” _

_ “You think so?”  _ Bad couldn’t help but feel restless, shifting in his seat as he spoke and picking at the lint on his sweater.

“ _ Yeah, because I’ll bet you anything he already knows- Really! I know you don’t want to hear it but come on, think about it-” _

If only he knew just how much he’d been thinking about it

“- _ how much has the guy done for you? And you’re going to tell me he’s not in love with you?” _

_ “No, no, no-”  _ Bad denied. “ _ That’s just normal friend-loving stuff, he doesn’t... I mean, let’s be real-” _

_ “Yeah, Bad, let’s be real! He gave you fifty thousand dollars,” _

Bad scoffed at the reminder. “ _ That was just for a video,”  _ he deflected.

“ _ So? He didn’t need to give you that much, but he did. That’s not the only big thing he’s done for you either, I'm just trying to give you an example,” _

Bad grumbled at him, opting not to say another word. He knew  Quackity was right in some regards, but  Skeppy sharing his affections? That was impossible. He wasn’t about to get his hopes up and grow attached to acts of kindness that meant nothing in the long run.

“ _ Bad, I don’t know how to stress enough that I’m trying to be sincere and help you,”  _ Quackity said, as if there were any question that he was genuine. He only had that particular tone in his voice when he truly meant what he said.

“ _ I’m only telling you to go for it and talk to him because I know you won’t do it otherwise, and I really, really think that’d be a mistake. You’re losing an opportunity if you don’t,” _

That was it for a moment. Bad let there be silence between the two as he considered  Quackity’s opinion, begrudgingly. It was hard to deny that there were some things  Skeppy did over the years that were questionable at best. Little comments and gifts handed out here and there, compliments and jokes that riled up fans. It was all for attention, Bad thought. That was a fair assessment, right?

Prolonged silence never did  Quackity well. He couldn’t help but break the quiet with a sigh and the sound of hands tapping his desk.

“ _ You good over there?”  _ he asked.

“ _ Fine,”  _ Bad mumbled, wanting nothing more than to climb into bed and pretend the whole night never happened. “ _ Great, actually, but I think I’m going to head to bed soon,” _

What a miserable feeling to sleep with, though. No blue light or nighttime ritual would ease that out of existence. He ignored the huff on the other end of the call as he placed his glasses on the desk and rubbed at his eyes. It didn’t have to be this hard.

“ _ You can’t  _ just _ run from it forever, you know,” _

…

He’d already accepted that it was just in his nature to run from these sorts of things.  Quackity offered a last bit of advice, trying to get through to him.

“ _ Ok, I won’t keep you up or bother you with it if you don’t want, but please just think about it. I promise I wouldn’t be trying to get you to tell him if I thought it wouldn’t end well,” _

_ “What makes you so sure it’ll be fine? Just one or two things he’s done?...Quackity?” _

“... _ He talks about you a lot,” _

Bad pushed his glasses back into place and straightened his posture. “ _ To you?”  _ he asked, an eagerness in his voice.

“ _ Nonstop. This is just between us, ok? Don’t tell anyone, but him and I are supposed to do a collab and it’s taking so goddamn long because he can’t get anything solid planned out. We’re still in the planning stage because he can’t stop talking about you, what you would think about it, how you’d feel, this and that and literally everything he possibly can think of involving you. I’m just saying, most people don’t think that much about someone they’re not into,” _

A gulp couldn’t erase the dryness that’d settled into Bad’s throat at the sound of that. All was quiet and still for God knows how long- long enough to prompt  Quackity to ask if he was still ok, just to receive only a “ _ Mhm _ _ ,”  _ in response. It wasn’t long after that Bad wished him goodnight and excused himself from the conversation. They’d be talking again soon, he knew it, but until then...

Was he right?

Back to reality, he brought his gaze to  Skeppy , those brown puppy dog eyes still staring on in anticipation for his answer. It was looks like that that made him question everything. That, and those interactions they had, the things  Quackity shared with him, everything that apparently, he’d been blind to. All this time spent worrying about thinly veiled displays of affection and whether or not  Skeppy was oblivious to all of it... the experience wasn’t mutual, was it?

“Admittedly,” Bad forced out. “I may have been just a tiny bit nervous,”

Skeppy grinned at him. “Ok, thank God. I didn’t want to be the only one scared,”

“You definitely weren’t,”

They shared a laugh, the stress of hiding their anxieties being lifted from their shoulders.  Skeppy airing out his worries was enough to persuade Bad into doing the same.

“There was just so much that could go wrong,  y’know ? What if Lucy didn’t like you? Or things were awkward? And then there was the hair thing- that could have  gone wrong in  _ so  _ many ways,”

“Hah! But it didn’t,”

Skeppy pulled his hand from his pocket and ran it through his hair, showing off the poor, but fair enough first attempt at dying it once more.

“It looks pretty good for an at-home job. I’ve been thinking of growing it out, actually,”

“Really?” Bad didn’t even try to hide his excitement at the thought of it. He could almost see  Skeppy’s hair the way it used to be. Soft and fluffy, perfect for letting your hands get lost in. Or, even longer than that; the thought of it cascading over his shoulders in waves made his heart flutter in his chest. “How long? I think it’d look good on you no matter what, but I’m just curious,”

“Not sure yet. I’ll probably just let it go and see what feels right-  _ oh,  _ that reminds me of something!”

Skeppy’s hands rushed to his phone, fingers typing away at the keys. Bad shook the idea of longer, flowing hair from his head as  Skeppy sat up straight beside him, taking that as his queue to do the same. A  youtube video opened on the screen, a man, guitar under his arm, sitting in front of a blue background. As the loading circle disappeared and the video began, an upbeat guitar playing on,  Skeppy turned to Bad with a smile.

“It made me think of you,” he said, smile reaching from ear to ear. “’ Cus of our DMs- mostly yours, the ‘I miss you’ ones,”

The explanation did nothing to help Bad hide the pink in his cheeks. He couldn’t do anything but brush it off, claiming that “They’re not mostly mine, but ok,” and enjoying the song as much as he could without losing his cool. Rat, always the perfect wingman, found her way onto his lap midway through after a good while of waltzing around the room. Getting through the ordeal was easier when he could hold her paws and make her dance to the beat for laughs. Nothing could lighten the mood better than that.

She got rewarded for her unending patience with pets and praise from them both, her owner being careful not to let his hands meet  Skeppy’s in the process. It was tiring, he admitted to himself, how often he was hyperaware of everything he did around him. If it was all for nothing, if  Quackity was right, if his own curiosity was right...

Laying in your bed, making excuses to hold your hand, begging for attention and a hug every day, those  were things normal friends did, right?

…

_ Right? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Feeling Lonely by Boy Pablo!  
> Very fun song, in big contrast to all the stress I'm putting Bad through here lol.  
> Like I said, next chapter will most likely be pretty short, but I hope you guys don't mind and stick around because the next chapter after that will be a big one!  
> Also. Very funny how Skeppy decided to tell us a song that reminded him of Bad as I was writing this. I may have picked a different one here but at least I was close in terms of it being a happy song lol


	9. Detach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who commented something kind on the last chapter. I'm not good at forming the words to respond personally but just know I'm grateful for it <3  
> Also a warning: there's a very brief description of someone getting burned in this chapter. It's not detailed, and will not be a sustained injury that's mentioned again.

It was the same monotonous drudge through the snow. The same chill. The same promise of warmth. Everything identical to the past hundred times he’d experienced it, only, unlike last time, Bad would find his way there without a rude awakening. He was set on it.

Endless trees loomed in the distance, their branches dark against the white sky. The snow pelting him with the wind could do nothing to stop his journey. He marched on, boots weighed down with packed snow and hands gripping his coat tighter around him. The cabin grew closer with every labored step.

It was disappointing, he thought, how mundane the day had been. Hours upon hours of talking with nothing notable to mention bothered him. Bad loved spending time with him- of course he did, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was so much missed opportunity. The concept of  Quackity being right was so foreign and hard to swallow, but the longer the day went on, the more seriously Bad considered it.

Skippy was one person he could never slip anything past, no matter how hard he tried. How he could have managed to mask his crush was beyond any imagination at this point. The closer he got to the cabin, the deeper the pit in his stomach sank.

Nevermind that- to hell with his usual doubts and fears. He’d been so careful to not get caught; even when there  were close  calls he was able to brush everything off as awkwardness and miscommunication. His dreams were the only place he could escape the anxiety that consumed him in the day. The only place where he could engage with the fantasies that persisted despite his best efforts. He wouldn’t taint them with that annoyance.

Bad reached out as he closed in on the cabin. The old, wooden walls resting just a dozen feet away. He pushed on, desperate for the reward for his hard work. Relief hit him as his fingertips met the doorframe. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he could rest.

He huffed and shook the snowflakes from his hair. A few kicks to the ground cleared his boots of debris. Hands quivering from the cold, he turned the doorknob and pushed through, letting the warmth of the indoors engulf him.

That familiar crackling of fire and the creaking of floorboards below filled his ears as he stepped in the room. The heat contrasted the chill in his glasses, fogging them until he couldn’t see through. Bad slipped them off as he stepped in, along with his sullied boots. Those were left to dry by the door. He wiped his glasses clean against his coat before returning them to their spot on his face and unzipping that outermost layer to hang it up on the wall-mounted rack beside him.

Soaked clothed discarded, and as kempt as could be after the travels, Bad turned to the fire, the corners of his lips curled upwards.

His smile faded, however, almost as quickly as it grew.

The space in front of the fireplace, normally occupied, was barren.

Bad blinked hard and pushed his glasses up on his nose. He rubbed at his eyes, sure that it was all a delusion, but no. The spot was empty. The  _ cabin  _ was empty. It must have been, or else it wouldn’t have been so quiet. Cautious feet stepped forward, edging towards the now unfamiliar scene.

What... What went wrong? Was it something he did?

It started just as it always had, with him in the middle of the snow, knowing exactly where he was headed, and exactly what direction to go to find his destination. He didn’t take any detours or stray from the usual route, nothing seemed off on the way there, so what happened?

The creaking below ended as he reached the rug splayed out in front of the fireplace. It’s reds and greys, muted in the low light, were no longer a comforting sight. He paused in front of the hearth and kneeled, not intending to stay for more than a moment. His knees would have appreciated a break after the long trek but the chances of that grew slimmer with each passing second. They  ached as they touched the ground.

That was it. Where  Skeppy should have been, where  _ Bad  _ should have been with him, but he was gone. Why he had to be missing now, out of all the times for it to have happened, was beyond Bad’s understanding.

There was never anything special about these dreams. He thought of  Skeppy always, and it was a no brainer that those inescapable fantasies would sneak their way into his sleep. As guilt-ridden as it always made him feel, it wasn’t a surprising concept, and he had learned not to question them after  _ that  _ one. So much time wasted on trying to decipher the  streetside restaurants and the piano notes drifting through the air yielded nothing but more confusion.

The thought that perhaps, this one was tied to that crossed his mind, but he shrugged it off. It was a waste of time, he decided. Dreams made no sense, whether lucid or not, reflective of your conscious thoughts or just random, there was no point in trying to bring logic into them.

Bad moved to stand, but the flickering light caught his eye. A bright mix of yellows and oranges. 

_ I’ll check the house, just to be sure he’s gone,  _ he planned, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull from the glow. He stayed fixated on the flames, even as he repositioned himself for comfort, legs crossed and posture relaxed. Even as his fingers met the hearth, its stone warm from the flames.

A moments peace, even a  Skeppy -less one, was fair enough. Bad suddenly found himself content enough with his break at the fire to just rest and wait until the morning sun woke him.

Content, or frozen by the newfound heaviness in the air. One or the other.

No matter, he’d enjoy it as much as he could. He cleared his throat, sighed in his soreness, not even noticing as his hand edged forward to the ash beyond the hearth. The sooty texture on his skin meant little to him. It was no bother, nearly going unnoticed, unlike the new buzzing in his ears and the heat that began to consume him. In spite of the chill that shook his bones a short time ago, he could feel sweat dripping down. His lungs struggled to take in air.

Bad tugged at his collar with his clean hand, skin crawling from the tight fit around his neck. Zoned out, almost completely gone, he didn’t even recognize his hand as it entered the pit, flames licking at it. The burn didn’t feel like his own, the scorch nothing but a faint tickle. There was some small desire to pull away, a bit of leftover instinct from the real world, but was there a point?

Any conscious thought took the backseat as the fire engulfed more. Fingers thinned and blackened behind the warm hues, wrist and sleeve joining them inside.

…

How long was it, again?

Months, he figured, and left it at that. But how long was it really?

If the exacts were easier to pinpoint, he would have obsessed over them endlessly. Bad would have blamed himself for a lack of control so much more if he could just figure out why or how it came to be, but every time he tried to put the pieces together the project got more complicated. When the joking flirting turned real, when platonic admiration turned to genuine attraction, that was all too complicated to ever figure out. When he first verbalized it, though, he was sure he knew that one.

How embarrassing that was. A slip up- a stupid mistake that weaseled its way into his memory sometimes and made him cringe with regret. It was a short exchange that he wished everyone could just forget.

It was all in jest, when Faster cooed, “ _ Bad~”.  _ When he asked him, “ _ Is  _ _ Skeppy _ _ your baby?” _

He should have denied it, or laughed it off. Even ignoring it would have been fine.  _ Why  _ did Bad have to say “ _ Maybe,”? _

If he’d just thought for one second, he would never have done it. 

Now he’d have to live with that online forever. He let it be as some unexplained, poorly executed joke, and left it at that. He wouldn’t speak on it, that’s for sure, and people could wonder all they wanted. 

Just thinking about it was enough to make his stomach twist in knots. If the heat was a nuisance before, it was downright oppressive now. For the first time since he sat down, Bad was truly present. Eyes no longer just focused, but seeing, body not just existing, but feeling.

His hand was in the flames, and burning shot up his arm.

Bad woke, eyes wide, and shock barely escaping his throat before being snuffed out. His clothes clung to him with sweat, the sensation in his arm just beginning to fade away.

He threw the sheets off him and sat upright, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his head on them. Tensions were too high to form any coherent thought, and the darkness that permeated the room told him it was too early to waste time caring anyway.

The diamond block was in his hands before he’d even realized he went to grab it. A couple taps brought its blue glow to him once more. It wasn’t funny anymore- if it ever was in the first place. He couldn’t deny how miserable he was over everything now. The way he depended on  Skeppy , how he couldn’t even cope with thoughts of him, the way his dreams were starting to disturb him.

He got a little cocky, admittedly, once he realized he was no longer spending every waking moment with  Skeppy on his mind, but  _ duh,  _ of course he wasn’t; there was no reason to spend the day thinking of him when he was there in person.

Bad sat until the light disappeared, then tapped it awake again. He wouldn’t find anymore sleep that night, and at least this once, he’d refrain from turning to another friend in hopes of easing his anxieties. Nobody would know what to do anyway.

He just settled with the light, waiting for the pounding of his pulse in his eardrums to stop, and hoping that sunrise would kill his worries.

If it didn’t, he’d have to improvise and manage his feelings as best as he could. After all, there was no putting off tomorrow’s stream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all know that clip I was talking about right? The one with Faster? I think about it all the time- why did he say that? Why did he sound so sad??  
> Kinda reminds me of the intro to I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski... you should give that song a listen.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed chapter 1! I'm aiming to update with chapter 2 within the next couple of days. Oh, and if it weren't already obvious what the first song is, reread the tags ;)


End file.
